Splattermail

splattermail has moved

2005-02-23T12:45:00.000+02:00

we have moved around the corner:
Please be so kind as to point your browser to:
www.splattermail.org

thanks in advance.

sa blog awards

2005-02-21T14:47:00.000+02:00

i'm not one to ask too much from anyone so i won't. instead, i'll just tell you that the sa blog awards are now in session.

voting will take 1 minute of your time. the salami and I would love to take home the grand prize of R20 so we can pay for the salami's chop extension. they didn't add on a lot, but lets just say, if he walks through any swing doors with his eyes closed he's going to bankok.

sorry.

up and down

2005-02-21T10:51:00.000+02:00

splattermail will be undergoing a facelift and general how's your father in the next few days. so please be patient. also, if you are using http://splattermail.blogspot.com to get here, please start using www.splattermail.org.
if you're using an rss aggregator, ther's a good chance a bunch of old messages will come flooding through again. we'll try limit this to a minimum if possible (but probably not). (we will keep the original feedburner rss url)

splattermail is commited to giving you, the "wasting billable hours" reader, the best we can dredge up from under any nook, cranny, granny, and crevice. please don't be pissed if the site is not available, it will only be for a few minutes at a time.

this is a recording.

(salami, please answer your vokkin' phone, you need to transfer the domain)

Splattermail's Sosatie of the Month (courtesy of Jo'blog)

2005-02-20T12:52:00.000+02:00

I'd like everyone to meet Kate. Kate, meet Splattermail. Kate is from KZN, and was one of the finalists in FHM's Homegrown Honeys competition. Which is not surprising in the slightest, I might add.

We have requested Kate to provide us with more photos of herself (because we can't possibly have too many, can we?), preferably in her underwear, but we've got wildly overactive imaginations, so we're not too fussy about that. So Kate - we're waiting with bated breath...

Well...what do you think?

Finally, but very importantly, full credit must go to Rich...! at Jo'blog for introducing us all to Kate. Splattermail has merely "borrowed" her, for want of a better word. We owe you big time, dude!

Now...Kate and I are going to enjoy some quiet time together, if you know what I mean.

The Formula

2005-02-19T14:08:00.000+02:00

One of my mates in Cape Town is a devoted subscriber to a dating/scoring phenomenon affectionately known as "The Formula". "The Formula" is a method of female selection that took...um, let's just call him le Riche...years of painstaking research, experimentation, rejection, heartbreak, failure (enough already) to develop, and for as long as I've known him, it has consistently rewarded him with...well, "Formula Girls". Kudos.

Once you get past all the maths, chemistry and psychology, "The Formula" is relatively easy to explain, and can be summed up in one short equation:

X = short chicks + big tits

(an artist's rendition of "The Formula")

If we are all to follow the wisdom of le Riche, as he would no doubt advocate, then everyone should develop a formula of their own. Mine is quite simple:

X = Paris + Hilton

or even

X = Gisele + Britney (before she got busted) + Jessica Alba

Take some time to work out your own formula. Mine is still very much in its conceptual stage, but I'm hoping to start with some practical experimentation next month. Probably in my bathroom.

Paris Hilton - full frontal!

2005-02-19T13:47:00.000+02:00

YEAH!!! Now that's what I'm twalking about! Check out this beautiful photo of la Hilton, in her full glory.

(...my apologies in advance)

conan's celebrity secrets

2005-02-18T17:24:00.000+02:00

As i was closing off the week by listnening to my favourite mariachi selection, i came across this post over at chumpstyle. always been a huge fan of Conan, splattermail management is actually taking delivery of a Triumph the Comic Insult Dog, who just happens to be the funniest thing on four legs, DVD next week.

Snoop Dog secrets: "Before I was called 'Snoop Dog' I was called 'Snoop Doggy Dog.' Before that I was called 'Snoop Diggity Doggity Dogg.' Before that, I was just called, 'The Phantom.'"

good fight, good night.

Playboy | 50 years 50 images

2005-02-18T15:28:00.000+02:00

"In honor of Playboy's 50th anniversary, Playboy.com presents the 50 most memorable images from the magazine's glorious photographic history. Selected from Playboy, 50 Years, The Photographs, this countdown features commentary by Playboy Photography Director Gary Cole."

Amongst the list of must-sees:
Bo Derek
Madonna
Arnold (shown)
Ursula Andress
blah
blah
dribble

link

Can it really work?

2005-02-18T06:51:00.000+02:00

If it does, I'm definately gonna start wearing clean underwear out. Because no-one likes chocolate-chip boxer shorts.

...and now he's the Devil

2005-02-18T06:39:00.000+02:00

Saw this years ago, but stumbled across it again (thanks to Harps).

Some weirdo has dedicated a site to educating people around the world on the terrifying true nature of everyone's favourite e-mail villain. The site starts off begging the question: "He has even less musical talent than John Tesh... His television shows are unwatchable... and yet He's one of the world's most popular stars... how has He done it?"

Which is all very valid, when you think about it for a few minutes.

What follows is an empassioned, well-researched and entirely convincing attempt to answer what is arguably one of the most burning questions in modern times. And once you've finished reading, you too will punch yourself in the balls (or titties, if you prefer), because its just so obvious and you should have realised it years ago...that David Hasselhoff is the AntiChrist!

Happy Birthday, Paris!!

2005-02-17T18:10:00.000+02:00

Indeed! For today, a mere 24 years ago, the most beautiful creature ever to walk the Earth was born to the meek and humble Hilton family. Perennially tanned, eternally captivating, and blessed with a pair of sticks that not even God himself would beat upon His heavenly drums, Paris has become a bastion for all things good and pure in the world today.

The Salami and Splattermail wish you all of the best, Paris. We hope your 25th year brings you all the fruits you so deserve, and showers good fortune upon you and your kin. You will forever be in our prayers and dreams.

Jeez, I really, really want to fuck her little brains out now. Um, sorry.

Cape Town's 2oceansvibe have compiled a beautiful gallery of everyone's favourite girl, but you'd better catch it before midnight (or so we believe).

Splattermail looking for a new home

2005-02-17T12:13:00.000+02:00

Rooi'ters At the annual general barbeque last night, the salami and smg decided to look at the possibility of moving splattermail away from blogspot and on to a separate hosting solution. With a fatty peice of lamb flank in his fingers, smg hinted at the greater opportunities for more media rich web posts including links to video and pictures.
"but we don't have any moola" the salami replied with a meat frown.

The hunt has begun for a hosting sponsor. please send brief (1 to 5 words including thong shot) proposals to splattermail @ gmail.com.
We are prepared to say absolutely marvelous things about your company and even put a logo / optimised text link alongside selected thong shots.

Otherwise, we're just going to keep posting pictures of The Hof.

Don't panic

2005-02-17T07:22:00.000+02:00

Jeez, I can almost hear Toadie creaming his pants. Again. This movie has a helluva lot of expectations to live up to, and some of the freakiest fans to please - kinda like the Lord of the Rings. So they'd better not fuck it up.

Visit the official movie site to find out more, and to see a *gasp* different preview.

Problems...

2005-02-17T06:21:00.000+02:00

Hi there.

So sorry, but our fucking stupid imagehoster is fucked and it refuses to give me any love. I'll keep trying, but in the meantime, visit Coolio's Babes. Should keep you perverts happy for a while.

Because we just can't get enough

2005-02-16T13:03:00.000+02:00

But honestly - who can?

Rocky's back!!

2005-02-16T12:44:00.000+02:00

This is just great. kind of reminds me of someone i'll never be...

Rockys Back // He's a lean mean supermarket machine - GOLD !!!

ps. (It's quite long so be prepared. Also may take really long to load on a slow connection.)

pps.(I saw it on some blog last night but forgot who it was. i think it was boing boing, so thanks to them (i think))

[ the salami has chastised me via email for my
poor for mattinG of my posts,

so from

now on, i will
try harder.

oh yes, by the way, The Salami has vaginal warts]

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition 2005

2005-02-16T07:45:00.000+02:00

Aaah. Its that time of year when the American Sports Illustrated magazine releases its annual Swimsuit Issue. And they have rounded up a veritable bevy of belters for 2005, including supermodel Ana Beatriz Barros (above), and Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard.

I'm gonna keep my eyes peeled for a copy of the rag for myself...because a laptop just doesn't belong in the bathroom. If you know what I mean...

"Hide and Seek"

2005-02-16T06:42:00.000+02:00

Last night I took myself off to The Zone to watch the new Robert De Niro / Dakota Fanning psychological thriller, Hide and Seek. I have to admit that I was sceptical of the movie after seeing the trailer a few times, and went in under the apprehension that this would at best be standard psych-thriller/slasher-horror fare. De Niro's last foray into the genre with 2004's abysmal Godsend was, well, abysmal. This too was in the back of my mind.

Indeed, Hide and Seek disappointed in this respect. It slavishly follows the well-established and over-exploited thriller formula, making extensive use of uncomfortable camera angles, eery lighting, long corridor shots, bumps and creaks and haunting music.

Following the success of The Sixth Sense, it seems that every vaguely scary movie must have some kind of fantastic twist towards its end, supported by little clues throughout the rest of the flick, in the naive hope that the audience will be blown away by the brilliance of the writer's Sherlock Holmesian mind. Yes, Hide and Seek gives this a crack too, but fails rather dismally in pulling it off. Well, I think so anyway, having picked the ending like a broken nose (to quote some moron I know).

Having so bitched, Dakota Fanning, the little kleptomaniac that she is, once again steals the show. Her performance is captivating and terrifying - and goes further to prove that this little girl has a dramatic range and talent that makes Haley Joel Osment look not unlike The Salami as Drunk No.1 in his high school's production of Oliver!. I was quite good, actually...or so my mother told me.

Robert De Niro puts in a solid, "denero-ish" effort, and competent supporting efforts by Famke Jansen and Elisabeth Shue (I loved her deeply after Cocktail and the Back to the Future trilogy) add substance to an otherwise bland and uninspired story.

Importantly, despite the expected reliance on cheap scares and spooky cinematography, there were still moments during this film that made me curl my legs up and cover my ears.

So I guess its 7/10 Salami Slices for Hide and Seek. Worth a watch, but wait for DVD.

Have a crappy Valentine's Day, love Osama

2005-02-15T10:17:00.000+02:00

"WASHINGTON, DC—A new videotape of Osama bin Laden broadcast on the Arab satellite news channel Al-Jazeera Monday beseeched Allah to grant all Americans a "crappy Valentine's Day."

Above: Bin Laden tears up a "putrid Western Valentine's Day trifle" during his videotaped message.

"This Feb. 14th on the Western infidels' calendar, may all Americans receive no valentines from their beloved ones," bin Laden said. "May the homemade construction-paper mailboxes taped to the desks of the American schoolchildren remain empty, as well. May whomever you ask to 'bee yours' tell you to 'buzz off.'"

Bin Laden called for "romantic humiliation for all Americans of courting and betrothal age."

...

"[Bin Laden's] sinister call for romantic disappointment on Valentine's Day is yet another demonstration of the ruthless hatred this evil individual harbors for the American way of life," Bush said. "He directs rage at even our youngest and most innocent citizens, asking God to quash children's joy by making them receive, and I quote, 'only unwanted valentines bearing the laughable likenesses of out-of-favor pop-culture icons from the recent past, such as the Backstreet Boys and the creatures from Monsters, Inc.'"

Aaah, good 'ol Osama. And good on The Onion for a smashing article. The full opus definately constitutes Splattermail's list of recommended reading for Tuesday.

"Come Monday, as you pry open your fancy, red Russell Stover box, take heed," bin Laden said. "For in the place of tasty caramels and buttercreams, you will find the flaming sword of righteous jihad!"

Good stuff. And at least no American can say that he/she didn't receive a thought this Valentine's Day.

Dogfight

2005-02-15T08:33:00.000+02:00

"The unkind would call it the battle of the bitches - referring to the dogs, of course.

Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are now exchanging claw marks not over their fame, beauty or money - but about their pet chihuahuas.

Singer Britney says the hotel heiress's pet Tinkerbell looks like a dog's breakfast. Her own three pooches - Bit Bit, Lacy Loo and Lucky - are far better turned out, she claims.

Other stories:

'My dogs are stylin' and profilin',' the Toxic singer wrote on her website.

'Von Dutch just sent them the coolest little clothes. My dogs are so much cuter than Tinkerbell (ruff! ruff!).' The celebrities, both 23, are rarely seen without their pedigree chums.

And the dogs have been snapped in a variety of designer gear. Bit Bit wore a lavish diamond-studded collar to the Billboard Music Awards in December.

Tinkerbell and Ms Hilton, meanwhile, sported matching outfits on reality TV show, The Simple Life. The dog even inspired this month's Paris Hilton jewellery collection. 'A lot of people admire Tinkerbell's look,' she said. 'So I included a glamorous pet collar.' " This is London

Yawn. I feel almost bad for posting this because its such a pathetic excuse for gossip. The rags really piss me off sometimes. There's worthless news, and then there's crap like this. But because it puts my two favourite targets (and ingredients for a Salami sandwich) at loggerheads, I feel it must have some relevance.

And yet I'm over it already.

Another one bites the dust

2005-02-15T08:13:00.000+02:00

"Pop star Christina Aguilera is to marry music executive Jordan Bratman, the singer's agent has confirmed.

Bratman, 26, proposed to Grammy-winning singer Aguilera, 23, on holiday at an undisclosed location. The pair have been together for more than two years.

"No wedding plans have been set yet," said Aguilera's agent Meghan Prophet.

Aguilera burst onto the pop scene in 1999, winning a best new artist Grammy in 2000. Her hits include What a Girl Wants, Dirrty and Beautiful.

Bratman presented his fiancee with a diamond ring designed by jeweller Stephen Webster on Friday, said Ms Prophet." BBC

Oh, well. Another one bites the dust, I guess. Why is everyone so fucking set on getting married these days? I quite like Christina. I really hope she doesn't go the Britney route now that she's a taken gal.

Happy Valentines Day

2005-02-14T16:13:00.000+02:00

Love that about the Hoff. Again. I'd like to promise that this is the last picture of the miserable bastard that we'll post, but I really can't do that. Sorry.

Roses are red,

2005-02-14T09:49:00.000+02:00

Violets are blue,
today The Salami remembers,
the days when his mother sent him valentines roses at school because no-one else did.

Splatter-mile

2005-02-14T07:58:00.000+02:00

Sweet! On Friday, Paolo, Fink, Tiger and I set off on somewhat of a voyage of uncertainty as we made our way down to the Midmar Dam, located outside Howick in the Natal Midlands, so that Paolo and I could participate in the annual Midmar Mile swim, from one side of the dam to the other. Due to a late start, we decided to find accomodation in Harrismith on Friday night, and settled for a rather strange, but suitably inexpensive, "backpackers" in the centre of town.

We set off again early on Saturday morning, arriving at Midmar shortly after 9, where we quickly hooked up with another gang of degenerates who had organised a camp site at the Yacht Club. Thanks guys. I guess you, and the rest of the Yacht Club, probably regret that in hindsight.

(before pic)

The swim at 11 went well. No serious fitness hassles, although minor cramps and achy joints did plague me throughout. Paolo beat me. Some fat fucker with stretch marks all over his flabby stomach beat both of us. But we did it, and it was great.

(after pic)

The rest of Saturday was spent getting pretty fucked up. In a surpising twist of responsibility, we procured the services of a taxi driver to take us through to Maritzburgh, where we quickly climbed into Phat Planet and Crowded House, the two flagship clubs in town. Notwithstanding free entry, free drinks and VIP treatment (and the fact the Maritzburgh is dirt cheap at the best of times), we still managed to lose God-knows how much money, and no-one came right...again. We were also ripped off by Bimbo's. That sucked.

We woke up earlyish on Sunday morning (mostly due to the sun and the wind battering our tents), and spent some time doing damage control pursuant to the "disturbance" in the Yacht Club that we had created upon our return a few hours before.

The drive back was slow, and constituted yet another stage in our Trans-Africa Tour d'Wimpy.

And so concluded another fabulous weekend in the Midlands. What a spectacular place. I'm feeling pretty broken this morning, but - heck! Weekends like our Midmar one are worth a few shitty days at the start of the week.

Rhinos Get Giant Sun Bed for Better Skin

2005-02-11T16:03:00.000+02:00

AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - A Dutch zoo is giving its rhinoceroses sun bed treatment to make up for the lack of sunlight during the cold gray winter months. Rhinos Jennifer and Petra spend up to 20 minutes at a time using their custom built four-meter long sun bed. more

The moral of the story: Before packing a Rhino off to Amsterdam, ask whether she'd actually prefer Ak47 Hydroponic over good old savanna grass.

These are a few of my favourite things....

2005-02-11T09:32:00.000+02:00

Time for a bit of Friday humour let's join Michael Jackson as he takes us on a journey of his favourite things. You even get to change his nose halfway through. Oooh! c'mon! Shamone!

Brit and Kev on the rocks?

2005-02-11T09:24:00.000+02:00

"New York - Britney Spears' marriage to dancer Kevin Federline is reportedly on the rocks, according to two US magazines.

In Touch Weekly claims Federline, 26, has been socialising on a regular basis without his 23-year-old wife, who he wed in September after a whirlwind romance.

A friend said: "Kevin has suddenly started partying like a single guy. In addition to going out on several occasions without his wedding band on, he's been hanging out with his old posse of pals and flying to Las Vegas for weekends of drinking." News24

Shame. Poor 'ol Britney. She really does seem to put herself through a whole pile of shit. But for once I reckon Kev's got the right idea. Mrs Federline is clearly not looking after herself these days, and so he's only doing what any self respecting man would: taking her money, and blowing it on booze and hookers. Hell, I would.

In other Britney news, the commerical for her new perfume, Curious, has received numerous complaints after it began airing in the UK. I tried to complain the other day, after watching the video for My Prerogative, that it made my pants too tight and cut off the blood supply to my nads, but no-one cared.

AdRants offers a synopsis of the ad: "The spot captures Britney in the throes of a fantasy with a guy in the next hotel room, complete with all the sexual imagery you'd expect; lips, fingers, blooming flowers, fingernails clawing skin, fingers against a rain soaked window, a pair of dolls kissing, clenched hands, bulls in a ring, crashing waves, writhing bodies and, finally, open mouth glee. It's 30 second of visual orgasmic bliss."

Fortunately, 30 seconds was all I needed. Of course, we still had to do numerous re-shoots to get the perfect scene

Apparently you can watch it here, but it won't fucking work on my stupid fucking office computer. Work sucks.

Why did they do it?

2005-02-11T09:02:00.000+02:00

There's only one way to describe these unfortunate couples: stupid, ugly people whom Fate has clearly decided should not actually be together. So why do they do it? Desperation, I guess.

Far better to be a lonely, chronic masturbator than married to an ugly bitch, I always say. Or to a Kuntz with bushy hair (ha ha bonk).

Sadly, these poor bastards/cows aren't the only daft couples to take the plunge. God knows, there'll be more to come.

"7 Sins"

2005-02-11T07:37:00.000+02:00

Now this is my kinda video game. Not like the Leisure Suit Larry series, which got me all excited as a horny teenager, then never properly delivered, and which now fails to really pique my interest as a horny...adult?? (C'mon, not really).

7 Sins promises quite a bit: "Let’s not kid ourselves. Money, fame and pretty girls are what you must acquire for a fulfilled life. Apple City is your stomping ground. Forget all the conventions from your dated education. The 7 SINS allows you to achieve your true potential in a world of money, power and sex."

What other games let you take a peek up a dolly's dress, then drug her and play with her boobies? Apart from the odd round of Rohypnol-Twister at my house, but that's by invitation only. Speaking of which: I'm looking for two or three (or more) limber lasses for a match or two next weekend. Anyone interested?

Check out the "7 Sins" .wmv download, if you wanna.

Splattermail's hottest fan

2005-02-10T18:06:00.000+02:00

This is the part where I behave like a schoolboy. HOLY CRIKEY OOHZUS MARIMBA!!!

Would you believe me if I told you that this sexy little buh-buh-buh-belter is a regular Splattermail reader? Well believe it....because its true!!

Click on the picture to visit her blog - and take some time to enjoy it. I have, and I've gone through three pairs of underpants and a pack of Gary Player handkerchiefs.

I think my return to Italy is loooooong overdue.

Postcards for Hitler

2005-02-10T09:47:00.000+02:00

"BERLIN - Adolf Hitler may have committed suicide in his bunker in 1945, but Germany's post office still appears to be looking for him.

A postcard mailed to "Fuehrer Adolf Hitler" was given a post office address correction and forwarded to Germany's Parliament, a spokeswoman for the chamber confirmed onWednesday.

Sent from Britain, the card was officially stamped with the "proper" address by the Deutsche Post and the words: "Mail corrected due to insufficient address - please alert sender. Ascertained address: Deutsche Bundestag, 11011 Berlin."

The hand written card, signed only "Herr T." and dated 23 January, begins "Dear Fuehrer Hitler."

The writer goes on to say: "I love and like you so much. I am your very best good friend and your SS personnel ... Thank you so much for coming to see me in your splendid image last night. Please come to see me again. Please take good care of yourself and look after yourself and enjoy. You have my life ... and all my money. Yours faithfully, Herr T."

Pictured on the card is a "love spoon" which is explained as a Welsh tradition to show affection." Expatica

How sweet. Now would Adolf be the big spoon (aka the cheating spoon), or the little spoon? Of course, the sender is clearly a fucking loon. And German. Is that redundant? I think I'm going to get started on some Easter cards to Saddam and Bob Mugabe.

The GoDaddy girl

2005-02-10T08:40:00.000+02:00

There's been one helluva rucus raised over GoDaddy.com's rejected Superbowl ad, which features WWE Diva Candice Michelle appearing before a Senate hearing committee, whilst trying to deal with a little "wardrobe malfunction" at the same time.

As reported by WWE, "It was the main topic of the post-Super Bowl chatter around water coolers, message boards and blogspots around the country this morning. GoDaddy.com’s devilish new ad that, in addition to promoting the site, pokes fun at the Puritanical mindset that has pervaded the post-Janet America.

In the ad, a well-endowed, tank-top-clad brunette flounces about before a stuffy Senate committee, touting the benefits of GoDaddy while desperately trying to prevent, shall we say, a “wardrobe malfunction.” The brunette in question is none other than Candace Michelle, one of Raw’s newest Divas, and she took a few minutes out of her increasingly hectic schedule to talk about the commercial."

The full, uncensored ad can be viewed at GoDaddy.com, and its worth a view even if just to see what the fuss is about.

But this is Splattermail. And so we are required, in terms of our founding memorandum, to push this story a little further. So below are some gratuitous links to some naked pictures of Candice Michelle who, as fortune would have it, is also an experienced Skinemax actress. Aaaah, love it.

Candice enjoys a threeway, Candice at the beach and Candice in the bedroom.

Terrorist Top Ten

2005-02-10T08:21:00.000+02:00

Thanks, Harps. This is pretty amusing.

Click here to view the video: Terrorist Top Ten - you will need sound.

Harvey Keitel is cool

2005-02-10T08:06:00.000+02:00

Ha. I found this cool extract from an interview with actor Harvey Keitel by Premiere magazine at The Corsair. To be honest, Harvey's always freaked me out a little bit. He's kinda hectic, and from what I've read, he can be a bit of a doos in real life. But I really liked the way he handled the questions posed to him below.

"Premiere: You've ... appeared completely naked onscreen.

Harvey Keitel: I've done no nudity in my career.

Premiere: What do you mean? Besides Bad Lieutenant, you do full-frontal nudity in The Piano and Ulysses' Gaze.

Keitel: An actor doesn't do nude scenes. An actor plays an event and tells a story.

Premiere: But it's still your penis that millions of people are seeing.

Keitel: It's not about nudity, it's about revelations. So if anyone wants to discuss nudity with me they can forget about it because it's not relevant. Any of my colleagues that I know would go all the way, just the way i did. I'm no exception. I just happened to have that part at the time.

Whew. Thanks for clearing that up. I thought I was seeing penis, but what I was really watching was "revelation." Later:

Premiere: ... You've worked with a number of directors more than once ...

Keitel: I've been declared difficult by so many people in Hollywood. (Facetiously) I've worked with so many directors more than once because I'm so difficult to work with, you see, and they love having a difficult time with me.

Premiere: The idea that you're difficult obviously bothers you a great deal.

Keitel: I'm fine with my reputation. I say, 'Here's the list of people I've worked with. Show me who you've worked with.' But I have a special dislike for rumor and gossip. It is likened to murder in the Talmud. Why colleagues of mine would feed into that is a mystery to me. But I must say, I read the gossip columns when I'm taking a shit."

Good man. Good answers. He's moved up a few pages in my book.

...and Nicole flashing her boobs

2005-02-09T14:59:00.000+02:00

Not a helluva lot to write home about, but...heck - a boob shot is a boob shot. And a tug is a tug. I have to go wash my hands.

PS. click on the photo. Hard to believe its the same girl, isn't it?

Nicole Richie engaged

2005-02-09T07:52:00.000+02:00

Not that I care too much, but its still a significant enough event in my life to warrant a posting. Because I am the biggest Simple Life fan. Please don't ask.

"Life is becoming less simple for Nicole Richie. The co-star of the Fox reality show, "The Simple Life," has become engaged to her boyfriend of one year, disc jockey Adam Goldstein, her publicist, Cindy Guagenti, announced Tuesday.

It will be the first marriage for 23-year-old Richie and Goldstein, whose professional name is DJ AM.

A wedding date wasn't announced.

Richie, the daughter of R&B star Lionel Richie, is co-starring with Paris Hilton on the third season of "The Simple Life." " Yahoo

I like Nicole Richie. I don't love Nicole Richie like I love Paris Hilton, but she's got attitude and I like that. I think I may say 'yes' to a "Simple Life" threeway, when they offer.

Remember Tonya Harding?

2005-02-09T07:16:00.000+02:00

...Yes - of the Nancy Kerrigan "Wounded Knee" incident? Well, she's taken a slight career detour, it seems.

"Harding, 35, looks totally different from the 110-pound figure skater she once was. She still has the piercing blue eyes but her 5-foot-1-inch frame is bulked up more than her listed 125 pounds. Her biceps look like telephone poles and she is dressed in a black Everlast warmup suit. She is slated to box Brittney Drake, 25, of the Women's Extreme Wrestling Federation, whose website lists her as 5-6, 120 pounds. It will be Drake's boxing debut, and win, lose, or draw, she will be at her waitress job the next morning $1,000 richer. Harding's fee is undisclosed."

For more, visit The Republica

Well, I can't say that Tonya ever really gave me happy feelings in my love pouch, but she's one scary lookin' bitch now. I'm not sure that female boxers are really my vibe in general, though. Although there was definately something about Michelle Rodriguez in that movie Girlfight.

And don't forget 2005 SAG Best Actress winner and Oscar frontrunner, Hilary (also not really my type) Swank in the yet-to-be-released-in-SA Million Dollar Baby. Seems chicks with gloves and biceps are en vogue.

Bollocks to that, I say.

11 acceptable times to use the F word..

2005-02-08T21:22:00.000+02:00

From Feld Thoughts, great blog.

11 times in history that the word "Fuck" was appropriate....

11. “What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?” – Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. “What the @#$% was that?” – Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945
9. “Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?” – Custer, 1877
8. “Any @#$%ing idoit could understand that.” – Einstein, 1938
7. “It does so @#$%ing look like her!” – Picasso, 1926
6. “How the @#$% did you work that out?” – Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. “You want WHAT on the @#$%in ceiling?” – Michelangelo, 1566
4. “Where the @#$% are we?” – Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. “Scattered @#$% showers, my ass!” – Noah, 4314 BC
2. “Aw c’mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?” – Bill Clinton, 1998
1. “Geez, I didn’t think they’d get this @#$%^ing mad.” – Saddam Hussein, 2003

Why you should never take odds from a Welshman

2005-02-08T15:12:00.000+02:00

"LONDON (Reuters) - A Welsh rugby fan cut off his own testicles to celebrate Wales beating England at rugby, the Daily Mirror has reported.

Geoff Huish, 26, was so convinced England would win Saturday's match he told fellow drinkers at a social club, "If Wales win I'll cut my balls off", the paper said on Tuesday.

Friends at the club in Caerphilly, south Wales, thought he was joking.

But after the game Huish went home, severed his testicles with a knife, and walked 200 metres back to the bar with the testicles to show the shocked drinkers what he had done.

Huish was taken to hospital where he remained in a seriously ill condition, the paper said. Police told the paper he had a history of mental problems.

Wales's 11-9 victory over England at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff was their first home win over England in 12 years."

....sigh. Knowing the Welsh, this story is not a surprise. Scary bastards, they are. Although a pickled scrotum in a jar, labelled with the date, teams and result, would be a charming addition to any pub counter.

How not to jump into a pool

2005-02-08T13:45:00.000+02:00

(click on pic above. takes a bit of time to load)

Topless Britney is a fake

2005-02-08T07:47:00.000+02:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGHH! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!! I'm done. Sorry.

Remember the groundbreaking nipple shot of Britney (above) that featured on Splattermail just a few days ago? Well, as luck (and The Superficial) would have it...its a fake. Hooray.

This is the photo-shopped picture which the asshole techno-geeks tweaked, and its not nearly as exciting:

Notice the devastating absence of a nipple? Drives me up the fucking wall, I tell you. And to think I spent so many hours in a darkened room with my pants around my ankles over a fraud. I feel all dirty now.

Such a waste.

Hillary Duff loves the cock

2005-02-08T07:12:00.000+02:00

...and if you don't believe me, ask the Trojan prophylactic carelessly left in the sanctity of her handbag for photo-shop geeks with overdeveloped forearms to expose to the world.

Gotta love the geeks, though.

I've never quite been able to make up my mind about Hillary Duff. There's something cute about her, and its not her chubby arms and compact, sturdy physique (quiet vomit) - maybe it was the wholesome, unspoilt air with which she used to carry herself? I think so - and I wanted to be the degenerate who snatched it all away from her. I think we're getting somewhere now.

If the photo-shop geeks could zoom a little closer, you might actually be able to see "For use only on Salami" scrawled across the wrapper in cramped little letters (usually the product of stubby fingers). Aaaaaaah, fuck it. She can wait.

Superbowl Ads

2005-02-08T06:58:00.000+02:00

The annual NFL Superbowl has become just as internationally recognised these days for the millions of dollars that big brand America pumps into the advertising slots knitted into the game as it has for being the premier sporting fixture on the US calendar.

2005's Superbowl, which took place on Sunday in Jacksonville, Florida, saw the New England Patriots run out 24-21 winners (for the third time in four years) over the Philadelphia Eagles.

But who really gives a fuck about football. Apart from Naas Botha. We have ALL the ads (sorry, "commercials") flighted during the Superbowl itself, which is way more entertaining.

Office nickname generator

2005-02-07T11:39:00.000+02:00

Yes, yes. We've all seen it 1 000 000 000 000 million times before, and its soooo last season. But I still like it.

Just click here: The Office Nickname Generator

I used to be "hottie". I've now been downgraded to "skank", "that bitch" and "dildo". Its amazing how accurate this fucking thing is. Anyone else called anything interesting?

Could it be?

2005-02-07T08:24:00.000+02:00

Not that Splattermail will ever be a car blog, mind you. But I couldn't resist posting a shot of the "2007 Ferrari SUV" - could it be true?

Home pole dancing kit

2005-02-07T07:33:00.000+02:00

"Peekaboo Pole Dancing is the world's first fantasy pole dancing game designed for use in the home. It's a giggle and a cheeky peek into the art of pole dancing without going the whole hog of getting the builders in to fit a permanent pole."

Cool. The site even has a demo video, which has a distinctive Verimark feel about it. The model I bought comes with an inflatable pole dancer - just velcro her hands around the pole, pull out the air plug and watch her dance.

And don't forget...Peekaboo Lap Dancing: "Unleash the sexy, lap dancing diva inside with the Peekaboo Home Lap Dancing Kit. Soon you'll be flaunting it everynight with Peekaboo's easy to learn guide book and game."

Maybe I'll do some Peekaboo shopping for my folks for their wedding anniversary next month.

Feecal the little chocolate starfish

2005-02-04T13:18:00.000+02:00

Hi! My name is Feecal Matter and here you can find out all about me and my friends. We live in a place called Tuna Town and have lots of fun....

Feecal the little chocolate starfish

Its got something for everyone. Just read a few of the bio's:

Feecal is hyperactive and loves playing with her best friend Woody.
Rimmer wears ear muffs because his ears get cold and give him ear-ache.
Squits is dumb and smelly, but happy.
Woody is a Horny-Backed sea horse who thinks that he is a monkey.
The Crabs are mischievous and like to pinch and bite below the belt.

Just what you need for a slow friday.

Sherry enema

2005-02-04T11:31:00.000+02:00

"HOUSTON (Reuters) - A Texas woman has been indicted for criminally negligent homicide for causing her husband's death by giving him a sherry enema, a police detective says.

Tammy Jean Warner, 42, gave Michael Warner two large bottles of sherry on May 21, which raised his blood alcohol level to 0.47 percent, or nearly six times the level considered legally drunk in Texas, police detective Robert Turner in Lake Jackson, Texas, told the Houston Chronicle.

"We're not talking about little bottles here," Turner said. "These were at least 1.5-litre bottles."

Warner, 58, was said to have an alcohol problem and received the wine enema because a throat ailment left him unable to drink the sherry, Turner told the newspaper.

"I heard of this kind of thing in mortuary school in 1970, but this is the first time I've ever heard of someone actually doing it," said Turner, who led the lengthy investigation in the case.

Along with negligent homicide, Mrs. Warner was indicted for burning her husband's will a month before his death. Both charges carry maximum penalties of two years in prison.

Mrs. Warner surrendered to police on Monday and was released on $30,000 bail, the newspaper said. "

Shit. What else can I add? Bottoms up, I guess.

State of the Union Address Drinking Game 2005

2005-02-04T08:38:00.000+02:00

I really like it when Americans come up with cool ideas and take the piss out of Bush and the Republicans at the same time.

The State of the Union Address Drinking Game 2005 is fantastic. Its pretty funny, well scripted, and definately worth a look. Judging by Senor Bush's history of daft speeches, it would be my guess that anyone playing this game in real time would probably not be conscious by the end of the address - but then neither would George Dubbya be during it.

The State of the Union Address was scheduled for Wednesday, 2 February at 9PM, which means its probably taking place now. Here's a link to the live coverage. Anyone know when Thambo Rambecki is supposed to bore us with his State of the Nation chat?

Britney Spears topless

2005-02-04T08:06:00.000+02:00

Sort of. We've waited God-knows how many years for just one fucking authentic topless picture of Britney Spears, and this is what the trash whore finally gives us. Thanks for nothing, bitch.

Am I just a shameless pervert (of course I am, but bear with me), or would it not have been infinitely better for Britney to have just released some arty, sexy, super airbrushed photographs of her tits just to satisfy the world's curiosity, rather than to let this be the first public glimpse of her noombies? It doesn't make sense.

She looks like crap these days, and these shots are no exception - how the hell does she expect anyone to get off over them? Its becoming increasingly apparent that she is also a fucking selfish cow. Britney needs an army of make-up artists and computer-wizards to recreate her glory days (remember "Hit me baby one more time"? I lost my virginity to that video), and she should not be allowed out in this state.

...and yet, I'd still pay good money to bang her.

We'll have none of that...

2005-02-03T11:41:00.000+02:00

..."none" of that. Ha ha ha.

Love those Iraqis

2005-02-03T08:11:00.000+02:00

"Baghdad — The U.S. military said Tuesday that no American soldiers have been reported missing in Iraq after a web statement claimed that an American soldier had been taken hostage.

The authenticity of the statement and photo could not be verified, and Staff Sgt. Nick Minecci of the U.S. military's press office in Baghdad said “no units have reported anyone missing.”

But questions were raised about the authenticity of a photo purporting to show a hostage with a gun to his head. The figure in the photo appeared stiff and expressionless.

Liam Cusack, of the toy manufacturer Dragon Models USA, inc., said the image of the soldier portrayed in the photo bore a striking resemblance to a military action figure made by the company." The Globe and Mail

This is no laughing matter...for either side. If the Iraqis have indeed taken GI Joe hostage, then not only will the US have lost their smartest solider, but the "enemy" will have no doubt invoked the wrath of Desert Storm Barbie (TM), who was last seen just south of Baghdad, shooting up a rampaging horde of be-towelled, RPG-toting My Little Ponies with Dune Assault Action Man from her pink humvee.

But seriously. If this is actually some poor real dude....shame. The glaring reality is that everyone thinks he's an 8-inch piece of moulded rubber (with accessories), and no-one really cares if the arabs rip his arms off, drop him from a flat roof with only a plastic parachute tied to his waist with a piece of string to ease his fall, or twist him together with He Man into an assortment of painful and utterly offensive positions. Sorry - just a little childhood flashback...but we all know that you did it too!

Shit. Even The Salami beheaded a number of Joe's comrades during the now infamous Operation Temper Tantrum in July, 1986. I did squish their head backs on later, though - and they were mostly fine. I promise.

Love those Iraqis. Morons.

Orlando and Kate split

2005-02-01T07:09:00.000+02:00

Not nearly as profound as Brad and Jen's recent parting of ways, but still enough to get me a little excited - Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth have reportedly decided to call it quits after a 3-year relationship.

Reasons for the break-up have been cited as work-related (i.e., they both work too much), but Orlando's philandering reputation should not be discounted. Apparently. I don't give much of a fuck.

A source told the Mail on Sunday: "Orlando has said that it's all over between him and Kate and that he's back in the dating game. It seems they were never together for longer than a week before one of them had to jet off to the other side of the world for film commitments. Kate's devastated by the split but the truth is Orlando has always been a bit of a ladies' man and thinks he's too young to settle down."

I should have such fucking problems.

The fantastic thing about this is that Kate Bosworth is back on the open-market. Coincidentally enough, so am I. Ever since the movie Blue Crush, I've had a little "crush" of my own on Kate, and its made me a little "blue" at times that she was coupled up. Hahaha. Sorry.

...anyways.

Team America....fuck, yeah!

2005-02-01T06:40:00.000+02:00

HO-LEE crappers! Went to watch Team America: World Police last night, and JEEZ - we laughed until we were farting and crying uncontrollably, and then some. This is a funny movie.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone of South Park fame have outdone themselves with this Thunderbirds-inspired effort, featuring a cast of marionettes. Team America ties together practically every single action movie stereotype employed in Hollywood since...well, since Hollywood first started making action movies. Think Bruckheimer-meets-Lucas-meets-Woo, and then throw in a fucking cheese board, wrapped up in not-so-subtle references to such genre-busting flicks as Star Wars, The Matrix and pretty much every Stephen Segal or Van Damme movie ever vomited onto celluloid. And oh yes, there's even a little vomit sequence that almost made me toss my dinner over the seat in front of me.

The movie, suprisingly enough, manages to reflect a degree of conscience, and (fairly enough) pokes fun at both the American Republican extreme right (or, "the dicks") and the Democratic liberal left ("the pussies"), the latter of whom are represented by the Film Actors Guild, or F.A.G, under the leadership of the "greatest actor in the world", Alec Baldwin. Sheesh, I'm still laughing.

Even more wonderful, and this isn't a spoiler, is the fact that South Africa gets to see the uncut version of the movie. The US, being the prudes that they are, demanded that a scene, featuring the male and female "leads" engaging in all kinds of overly-explicit conduct (including doggie, 69er, and a blozzer - to name a few), be removed shortly prior to the film's US release. We get to see it. And HEYZUS MARIMBA it is funny.

If you see one movie this month, make sure its Team America: World Police.

Splattermail goes to the races

2005-01-31T10:51:00.000+02:00

Aaaah. The J&B Met. One of the greatest events on the South African social calender went off beautifully (as it never fails to do) on Saturday, 29 January 2005, and I was fortunate enough to be there, thanks to a fantastic last-minute budget flight from 1Time and to the enthusiasm of my friends in Cape Town.

Following an eventful but rough Friday night, during which I was deserted at Opium by Harps and the boys (who had pissed off to The Fez) after I managed to pass out (again), we got off to an early start Saturday morning in anticipation of a long, action-packed day at Kenilworth Racecourse.

The Met was brilliant. The boys in Cape Town outdid themselves in organising and running a very professional picnic site, which attracted a large amount of traffic, inevitably studded with an assortment of freeloaders looking for other peoples' booze. Thankfully, a good number of the freeloaders were fuck-off hot dollies, dressed for the occasion in the sexiest outfits I've seen in years. I didn't come right.

Coincidentally, the organisers of the Met always seem to schedule the event for the same day as some horse races. Very smart of them! This year was no exception. Those who bet money on Alastor, the unexpected winner of the main race, enjoyed a lucrative 50:1 payout - as always, I was not one of them.

The Met never really winds down, despite the fact that everyone who is not a drunken asshole come 17h00 has probably already left, or is a horse. The festivities continued well into the evening on both sides of the track, despite the official after-party selling out of tickets before 22h30, leaving the rabble (myself included) to seek out alternative venues and sources of entertainment. This is never a problem after the Met. And we managed admirably. Ahem.

The Met rocked. The people rocked. The chicks...rocked. I had a fucking blast, spent too much money, and went home alone. Again. Love the Met.

It was choice.

Check out the photos. If you have problems with the slideshow, then check out the album.

More Ron Jeremy

2005-01-31T09:30:00.000+02:00

Thanks, Harps. Love that Ron Jeremy.

Fukitol

2005-01-31T08:40:00.000+02:00

Wish I had a few of these this morning. Just had the craziest weekend in Cape Town (down for the J & B Met - keep watching for the highlights package), and I'm feeling borderline suicidal right now. Sucks to be at work. I'm sure I'll feel better as the day progresses.

Also, my left ball is swollen after some serious abuse by a Russian lapdancer at Mavericks. Sigh, passion always comes at a price - so do I, it seems.

Brad and Jen - the song

2005-01-31T07:38:00.000+02:00

Here are Brad and Jen singing "My Boo" - just click on the pic.

I had my reservations about posting this, 'cos its pretty shite and rather puerile at times...but then I remembered that Splattermail is too. Besides, I know that most of you have seriously underdeveloped senses of humour, and that its quite possible that this clip could be the funniest thing you've ever seen. One of my 2005 resolutions is not to be a comedy snob.

If you hate it, fuck it. At least we distracted you for a minute or two from what you were doing, and for that I reckon we deserve some thanks.

Walking stick self defence.....

2005-01-29T15:32:00.000+02:00

got this from BoingBoing.

It offers really helpful advice for example: "An effective way to defend oneself with a Hooked stick when attacked by a man armed with an ordinary straight stick."

Self-defence with a Walking-stick: The Different Methods of Defending Oneself with a Walking-Stick or Umbrella when Attacked under Unequal Conditions (Part2) is a priceless peice of history that deserves to be preserved for all to read and learn in the years to come.

test

the worst words:

2005-01-29T13:46:00.000+02:00

my list:

1. Discharge
2. Lick
3. Panty
4. Panties
5. Dank
6. Vagina
7. Anus
8. Rim
9. Crust
10. Vulva
11. Ejaculate
12. Soggy

Enough already!!!
[Update: 13. Moist] thanks to the salami for reminding me.

Kiddie crimes

2005-01-28T08:16:00.000+02:00

"OCALA, Fla. -- Two boys, ages 9 and 10, were charged with felonies and taken away from school in handcuffs, accused of making violent drawings of stick figures.

The boys were arrested Monday on charges of making a written threat to kill or harm another person, a second-degree felony.

The special education students used pencil and red crayon to draw primitive stick figure scenes on scrap paper that showed a 10-year-old classmate being stabbed and hung, police said.

"The officer found they were drawing these pictures for the sole purpose of intimidating and scaring the victim," said Ocala Police Sgt. Russ Kern.

The boy depicted in the drawings told his teacher, who took the sketches and contacted the school dean, Marty Clifford. Clifford called police, who arrested the boys after consulting with the State Attorney's Office.

They were also suspended from school.

One drawing showed the two boys standing on either side of the other boy and "holding knives pointed through" his body, according to a police report. The figures were identified by written names or initials.

Another drawing showed a stick figure hanging, tears falling from his eyes, with two other stick figures standing below him. Other pieces of scrap paper listed misspelled profanities and the initials of the boy who was allegedly threatened." Local6.com

You got to hand it to the Yanks for being fucking ass-hats. Who the fuck arrests and handcuffs 9 year-olds? Apart from Michael Jackson during playtime at Neverland, of course. Jeez Louise. I love the way they always blow everything way out of proportion. Americans are all fucking drama queens.

Maybe I'm being a little insensitive about this. Maybe drawing pictures for your classmates detailing exactly how you plan on killing them is not a good thing. But for fuck's sake, put the artists in detention, scream at them and make them stand in the corner. Corporal punishment would rock too, but the Americans led the worldwide move to do away with that too.

Poor kids. I guess it'll make a great story for when they grow up.

Paris wasn't there

2005-01-28T08:00:00.000+02:00

How sad for us. Acting on a tip-off from a supposedly reliable source, Paolo Koala and I paid a little visit to the Melrose Arch Hotel last night in a (rather) desperate bid to find Paris and Nicky Hilton, who were apparently in Jo'burg to participate in a Guess launch that was held at the hotel (it all kinda makes sense, especially with the magnificent Guess billboards, featuring the love of my life, that have sprung up on the M1 and the wall of Menlyn Park - if there are more, please tell me where).

A big Guess banner in the lobby got us pretty excited, and we set about quizzing concierges, bellboys and barmen as to whether the party-goers from the afternoon were still there and, upon being told that the party was over and no-one had stayed behind, where they had all fucked off to. Paolo, who moonlights as an Australian private investigator, was exceptional, applying just the right amount of pressure, offset by a modicum of humour. We were getting results, but they were negative.

A concierge suggested we try Kilimanjaro next door. They weren't there. Finally, after racking our brains and asking ourselves the obvious question: "If I were Paris Hilton, where would I be?", we went back to my place. Not really.

In the end, the only Hilton we found was Sandton Hilton. And her bar. Where we klapped a few whiskeys, ate some beernuts, quizzed the barman (who was suprisingly helpful, and put in a few calls to his mates around the hotel to see if Paris was staying there), chewed the fat, and then went our separate ways.

So we didn't find the Hiltons. But we had fun trying anyways.

Got Frisbee?

2005-01-27T09:49:00.000+02:00

Just a quick invitation to all of you who live in JHB to our twice weekly game of ultimate frisbee. yes yes, i know what you're thinking, but its actually the fastest growing sport in Canada ('ey?) and contains more fun and excercise in one game than a night in Paris (if you know what i mean).

Imagine American football and basketball all rolled into one with a frisbee instead of a ball. lots of diving, grassburns, and sweaty men (and women). click here for more info and here, and here for the South African Flying disc association.

Games are played on Mondays and Thursdays (tonight) at the George Lea sports ground in Sandton. (turn into sandton drive off william nicol, first left at the Total, then first left again. go a few hundred metres, then left again into the sports ground.) You'll know you're there when a 175gram flat ball knocks on your windshield after a wayward throw.

If you can't throw a frisbee for shit, don't worry, you'll pick it up chop chop.

Oh, and you'll recognise me as the guy who's too tired to run or is sitting on the sideline as a substitute.

If you have hockey, soccer, rugby boots then bring them. Games from about 6~6:30 and play until we're tired or 8ish (whichever comes second).

You won't be dissapointed.

Paris Hilton's little love letters

2005-01-27T06:09:00.000+02:00

In a rather embarassing, yet cruel twist, a few of the little loving messages, notes and cards that Paris wrote to me during our whirlwind week-long romance in Fiji (summer 2003) have found their way into the public eye. I've already received numerous calls from The Sun, People Magazine and Huis Genoot, all trying to verify the authenticity of the correspondence. Well, they're real - and you heard it here first.

After our final big fight in which I called her an "effin' bitch" because she didn't put the cap back on the toothpaste, Paris wrote this letter to me from the plane back to LA.

"I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for lying to you before and I want to let you know that it will never happen again. I can't explain the pain I felt when I thought I lost you. It was like half of me had been ripped from my soul. I never felt so alone and I never want to feel that way again. I never want to lose you. I never want to hurt you again . . . I'm so sorry for the pain that I have caused you. From now on things will be different, I promise."

Paris then promised to get a tattoo to mark a "new beginning" and, "to erase all the past bullshit we have done to each other." The note is signed, "Paris (your bunny forever.)"

Another letter was accompanied by photos Paris had cut out of a magazine showing herself looking glum with the headline: "Paris feels real pain." "Dear Salami, This is how I look and feel when I'm away from you", she wrote.

Poor girl. But you can check it all out for yourself, courtesy of the New York Post.

When you're feeling down...

2005-01-26T11:10:00.000+02:00

They say that, in his heyday, the Hoff could bench 140 with his 'fro. Actually, I just made that up.

Have you noticed that we seem to be posting a helluvalotta Hasselhoff these days? I think Splattermail may need serious psychoanalysis.

Thanks anyway, Fed.

The future looks good

2005-01-26T10:32:00.000+02:00

What was the name of the nursing home again? When I push 80, I'm going recruiting. Thanks Harps. Inspirational stuff.

Not quite as bad as a lemon party, but still pretty funny.

PS. Do NOT visit the above site if you hate buxom, naked lesbians.

Goggle dog

2005-01-26T09:40:00.000+02:00

Goggle Dog.
I don't know.

You have the right to remain silent....say cheese!

2005-01-26T09:24:00.000+02:00

Just stumbled across this website (after googling for a picture of WWE wrestler Brock Lesnar - which is another (boring) story in itself).

Here's a nice one of Axl Rose.

Mugshots.com is a directory of mugshots sorted into categories like Actors, Celebrities, Beat-Ups, etc etc.

"Catwoman" tops Razzie nomination list

2005-01-26T06:30:00.000+02:00

"LOS ANGELES - This could be the year in which Alexander the Great conquers Catwoman and President Bush wins a prize as worst actor.

Nominations for the 25th annual Razzies, which honor the worst films of the year, were announced on Monday with "Catwoman," the Halle Berry box office bomb, besting "Alexander," Oliver Stone's much maligned tale of the bleached blond conqueror, by seven nominations to six.

In addition, the president made the list for worst actor for his film clip appearances in "Fahrenheit 9/11," a movie he might well consider the worst of the year. Also nominated for their appearances in the politically-charged film about the Iraq war were Secretary of State-designate Condoleezza Rice and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

The Razzies are a traditional spoof award made at Oscar time by the non-profit Golden Raspberry Award Foundation. The group's prizes are given out on Feb. 26, the day before the Oscars. Never has one of its films gone on to win an Oscar." "iWon News

Ja, ja - so the nominations for the 2005 Oscars came out yesterday. Big deal. I am a massive fan (not that I'm actually an obese person), but I just figured: lets give the shit the spotlight for a change.

Pop through to the article and check out the nominees. I'm not going to list them all here, but suffice to say they include Sharon Stone, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, Donald Rumsfeld, Angelina Jolie, George Bush's goat and Britney Spears, to name a few.

I honestly didn't think Catwoman was that bad.

"Old School" revisited

2005-01-26T06:07:00.000+02:00

Duke University sucks.

"DURHAM, N.C. - In what police say was an homage to the movie "Old School", partying Duke University students were found in a fraternity house basement with an inflatable pool, a whole lot of baby oil and women in bikinis.

Police came upon the scene early Sunday after responding to a noise complaint.

"Inside were several of America's future, re-enacting a scene from the movie 'Old School,' where females wrestle in a pool of lubricants," police Sgt. D. Gunter said. In their version, the Duke students apparently opted for baby oil.

Officers said they cleared the house of the 200 revelers, sending some of the women home in the subfreezing temperatures in nothing more than the bikinis they wore.

Nicholas Hunter Roberts, who lives at the address, was charged with violating the city's noise ordinance, a misdemeanor that carries a $150 fine.

There has been ongoing tension between students and residents of the neighborhoods that adjoin Duke's East Campus. Other weekend parties in the area resulted in noise ordinance charges and a marijuana possession charge." (Yahoo)

Frankly (ha ha), I'm a little bit upset that we somehow never managed to kick this off at UCT. Cape Town girls are prudes (but, lets face it, they're the hottest prudes in the world).

I reckon, at the next Salami Games, we make sure that we have a KY wrestling competition - come to think of it, wasn't Harps supposed to organise one at his place, like, last year already? Come on Harps, don't let us down! You're my boy, Blue!

Link of the day

2005-01-25T11:29:00.000+02:00

not entirely new, but i keep forgetting to post it:

click here

"And the award goes to..."

2005-01-25T10:21:00.000+02:00

Following a rather rank Thursday evening (by his own admission), Splattermail reader Paolo Koala, with head hung low and morale smashed, came forward, entirely of his own volition, and admitted to nailing a beast of a most vile and putrid nature. This was on Friday.

Even more depressing was the fact that Mr Koala was then forced to contact the thirty-something teacher the next morning, on his own cellphone, due to the fact that he had "forgotten" said cellphone in the backseat of her car, to arrange to collect it from her. Oy.

In keeping with the spirit of the Orc Horse / Swamp Donkey floating trophy, Koala accepted his award from previous world-champion, all-time-record trophy holder, five time MVP and orc horse fanatic, Finkelstein, in a brief, but grotesquely amusing ceremony, amid a mass of drunk revellers at Friday night's final Pink Palace blow-out. A karaoke/PA system added to the pomp. He did not offer an acceptance speech.

To Koala: we've all been there before. Most of us, however, managed to keep our fingers clean. Long live the King!

The hottest woman in the world...2005

2005-01-25T06:08:00.000+02:00

AskMen.com have released their portfolio of the hottest 99 women for 2005...TODAY!! So get it while its still blistering! I was quite suprised, although not devastated, to find that supermodel Adriana Lima has been voted as the 2005's number 1. Let's face it - she's a smokin' vision of wonderment, and she gives me goosebumps in my special place.

I haven't had a chance to flick through the whole list yet - I actually do have other work to get to as well - but I really want to know where Paris Hilton fits into the whole thing. After all, I love her and want to marry her and have her babies, so it would be nice to know exactly how hot the rest of the world thinks she is. I'd be pretty bleak if she banged me up and then all my mates told me she was actually a troll and awarded me with some kind of stupid floating trophy (as they do).

I get to see my love every time I drive south from Sandton on the M1 - there's a lovely Guess billboard with her flashing some cut-my-eyes-out-with-lust leg. Note to self: get a photo for Splattermail.

Uma Thurman at the beach

2005-01-25T05:50:00.000+02:00

Because I like you guys.

I gotta admit that I've never been much of an Uma junkie. She can look kinda hot sometimes (like in Dangerous Liaisons), but the rest of the time, I think, she's just pretty busted. I don't know exactly what's going on with her boobs in the photo on the right, but notwithstanding, she's really looking quite fit at the moment. Not so sure if I'm a fan of her granny bikini botties, but what the fuck. She has her tits out, and I think the photo of her lying down on the beach looks pretty sexy. If I was on that beach, I'd be very tempted to pop into the sea for a quick rub and tug. But honestly - who wouldn't?

Salami Army vs SuperSport Park

2005-01-24T07:07:00.000+02:00

On Saturday, a group of mismatched miscreants descended on a muddy, boerewors-infested SuperSport Park in Centurion for what was effectively the first day of the now-doomed final test match against (spit) England.

We quickly set about establishing a local record at the bar at the Hennops End by ordering 14 draughts per round. Whilst we were very proud with ourselves, 14 draughts on a hot, muddy day, in what is arguably the largest congregation of boers and poms in a single place since the 1899 - 1902 series (the poms won that too - who knows what the end result would have been if we'd won the toss?), is not really that much. But we'll take the record.

It was a smashing day, and great fun was had by all, I reckon. We all got shitfaced, sunburnt and covered in mud - which really is the only way to get at the cricket. Heading into the final hour, a big, dark cloud sent us packing prematurely - but we all left with wonderful memories, most notably of this ugly bitch and her fantabulous mullet:

Our grand idea of raping and pillaging the car park as we left didn't pan out as expected. This was pretty much the closest we came. The shot was taken only seconds before they told us to "fuck off and die" and stole our place in the queue at the parking lot exit.

In hindsight....OOOOOH-ZUS! And the dental plan?

I settled with raping and pillaging myself when we got home. It was good.

Viva The Salami Army!

Drunk girls

2005-01-24T06:56:00.000+02:00

Yes, yes. Its dirty. But we love it. Dirty, drunk girls discovering the joys of kissing each other on the lips and boobies. Clearly, I'm going to all the wrong parties.

I think lesbians are the best thing in the world, next to beer.

PS. click on the photo.

Cheating Housewife Services

2005-01-23T19:15:00.000+02:00

It's not often that someone forwards a spam email on, but this one is pretty great:

From: Matilda A. Short [mailto:matilda_shortqu@cs.com]
Sent: Sunday, January 23, 2005 1:48 PM
To: ----------
Subject: Your Match

4 Wives looking for fun have been matched for you in your area:

1) Lauren, 123 lbs, 5'7, 36c, 21 miles away, available Jan 24-26th
2) Amanda, 121 lbs, 5'9, 36d, 12 miles away, available most week nights (looking for side-fling)
3) Alexis, 125 lbs, 5'9, 34b, 19 miles away, available Jan 22-28th
4) Rachel, 123 lbs, 5'7, 36c, 12 miles away, available most week nights (looking for side-fling)

All 4 women are waiting to speak with you live & have photos. Webcam's are available for all 4.

http://www.123hammertime.biz/844267/chws/fullpage.php

If you have found a lady or not to be paired up then continue.

They must be hooked up to some sort of serious global positioning system through the CIA as somehow they know how far away you are from them. I think I'll have a go with Amanda as she's only 12 miles away which would make it somewhere near Brixton or Yeoville.

[thanks Rob for email]

Jenna Bush loves the Dark Lord

2005-01-21T16:20:00.000+02:00

This is hardly surprising, of course. But it is amusing. Jenna Bush is clearly thanking her boyfriend, the hunky Prince of Darkness, Satan himself, for letting her dad win another term. By this simple gesture at Dubbya's inauguration yesterday, she has shed light and clarity on the mindfuck that has characterised American politics over the past 5 years: George is just a dumb muppet with the devil's hand up his ass. I get it now. I still hate him.

slam dunk...

2005-01-21T14:07:00.000+02:00

Some cheerleading guys tossing a team mate through a basketball hoop. I love how they just high five each other and forget about the poor chick who's been thrown 10 feet in the air and done a bollemekiesie (sp?) through a little hoop.

I still hate Bush

2005-01-21T07:33:00.000+02:00

Frankly, it seems I don't like any kind of Bush (see post below). Except bushes for bush-diving, for which I still hope to receive Springbok colours. But that's another personal issue altogether. And although most bushes typically cover a twat, this Bush is a twat. And I hate him most of all.

Sadly, Twat Bush was sworn in as the USA's 43rd president yesterday. Again. And there were protestors. Again.

God save us all. Amen.

You can read more about it here.

Aaah...female merkins

2005-01-21T06:44:00.000+02:00

The merkin is a strange beast indeed. Personally, the balder the mott, the happier The Salami. If I wanted a floss and a facial scrub, I would have booked appointments with my oral hygienist and dermatologist, both of whom are clean shaven. Or so I fantasise.

Female pubic hair is an odd phenomenon. Women don't like having hair anywhere else on their bodies (bar their heads and their eyebrows), so why the hell should there be any debate about whether their beautiful places should be bushy or not? I'm quite happy to compromise on a well-pruned brazilian or landing strip, even a little bonzai rose shrub, but for fuck's sake - the woolly mammoths that characterised 70's and 80's smut, like their ancient, less metaphoric predecessors, should by now be extinct.

And I'm a Millenium Man - I'll keep my golden locks of love well trimmed, if that's what the ladies are looking for. Also, it adds an inch or two to your schlong - old Jedi porn star mind trick.

Anyways, enough about this. If you really gotta getta merkin, here's the place.

How bout sharing your thoughts on this highly contraversial, yet topical and meaningful issue?

Anal month

2005-01-21T06:34:00.000+02:00

Oh, boy! Time really does fly! Is it Anal Month again so soon? Although, according to my flatmate, every month is Anal Month. I just can't wait for Anal Day, when the festive turd comes racing through every living room in the world at around 3am, leaving presents and skidmarks for all those good boys and girls who can squeeze an orange up their exit holes. Or were my parents lying to me?

Chloe Sevigny is a bad girl

2005-01-20T17:12:00.000+02:00

WOW!! Now this is the stuff that Splattermail was born to promote!! Actress Chloe Sevigny (Boys Don't Cry, American Psycho, Kids and last Monday night's Will and Grace) has finally pushed the envelope over the edge, artistically blurring the line between cinema and porno. Whatever. She fuckin' gives some lucky dude head...in her movie The Brown Bunny!! WOWOWOWOW!!! And I fucking wore the VCR out trying to toss my nuts over Sharon Stone's can-you-see-it-can't-you-see-it beef curtain flasher. Jeez, we've all grown up fast.

Now this is not fresh news, I have to confess. I have seen it before, but have only discovered the video clip of it now!! Spectacular!! And what kind of cheap Salami would I be if I didn't share it with y'all?

I'm unpacking the plastic macintosh and booking a front row seat at the matinee for this one! Popcorn strictly optional. Bog roll mandatory.

The future of cinema has never looked brighter. Sigh.

PS. Man, this chick really loves the cock. And she swallows. I'm in love. Again.

PPS. I couldn't believe it. This is incredible.

PPPS. *schpünken*

The last page on the internet....

2005-01-20T11:35:00.000+02:00

The Hasselhoffian Recursion

So offensive, so hideous, so unpleasant, yet i cannot look away....

You're now under the Hof's spell.

"Undress me with your eyes, I already removed my jean pant and CAT boot from my sexy chassis for your added pleasure...."

back then...

2005-01-19T08:32:00.000+02:00

This is Rich...! when he was younger:

This is ../Ant when he was more good looking:

who moved my....

2005-01-19T08:14:00.000+02:00

just saw on weakest link:

Fiona: "George. Complete the title: "Who moved my .......?"
George: "Mojo"

Why it sucks to be Brad Pitt

2005-01-19T08:10:00.000+02:00

Don't be an idiot. It can't suck to be Brad Pitt. The above pic is from a set of photo's that recently started doing the rounds - for the brain dead, they show Brad and Angelina Jolie (crikey Moses, she's a fucking demon from hell, sent to mess with my loins) getting all close and cuddly whilst filming their new movie, Mr and Mrs Smith, in Amalfi (Italy).

"“There really seemed to be a chemistry between them,” said one onlooker. Unfortunately for Jennifer Aniston, she wasn’t the woman on her husband’s arm — it was Angelina Jolie. Star has never-before-seen photos showing the movie stars as they tenderly touched in the small, quaint seaside resort town near Naples.

The pictures show the Mr. and Mrs. Smith co-stars getting increasingly cozy after the movie cameras stopped rolling on the film they were shooting. The pair, according to witnesses, took a stroll together along the picturesque streets of the village and were “always laughing and joking.” " The Star

Angelina, however, is adamant that she has not been indulging in any kind of kinky sex with Brad - she has only done it missionary and doggie, and there was the one time that they did it over the back of a chez lounge, but that doesn't count because she took it up the shizzer. Angelina had this to say:

""I've been painted as the Wicked Witch of the West and a marriage wrecker," Jolie complained in an article yesterday on the IMDb.com Web site. "Half the world believes we had an affair and I'm the one to blame."

But that's simply not true, the Oscar-winning "Girl, Interrupted" star said.

"All I've ever been to Brad is a shoulder to cry on," she said. "The truth is, I was there to try to help him through his pain." " NYDN

I have a lot of pain. Mostly in my balls. I wish she'd help me through my pain. Sometimes it sucks to be The Salamai - only sometimes, mind you.

Traffic light scam

2005-01-19T08:05:00.000+02:00

Thanks, Harps. Sorry I couldn't fix the formatting. Its a jpeg, and I couldn't be arsed.

Rent-a-midget

2005-01-18T08:06:00.000+02:00

Especially for our Toadie. Now, for the Super 12, you too can have "a little person at the Big Game or playoff BBQ serving drinks and starting shenanigans".

How wonderful. What kind of twisted imbecile would want to rent a midget (sorry, Toadie - you're alright)? Prostitution I get. Kind of. Scratch that.

Fancy your very own midget? Fuck off.

"You're fired!"

2005-01-17T15:43:00.000+02:00

The second coming of The Donald - karma can be funny. I think.

Anyways, this one's for the ladies. The Salami is very fond of puppies, long beach walks and talking for hours down by the fireplace. Just as long as we bump uglies afterwards.

Where do they come from?

2005-01-17T08:42:00.000+02:00

...and why do they haunt my dreams? Where have these amateur webcam visions of perfection been all my life? They are the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Of course, if this bbbbbbelter would get together for a spread (mmmm) with Keyra, I could die a happy man.

Especially for D'ave...the gallery.

new comments

2005-01-15T14:18:00.000+02:00

We've put in a new commenting system which looks quite spiffy. You don't need to register or do any of that other kak anymore. Unfortunately it means that all your previous comments have been lost. Let's just look at it as a new year, a new beginning.

ok? hmmm? good.

Tsunami Survivors

2005-01-14T16:54:00.000+02:00

Splattermail has just received some photographs of 2 survivors of the recent tsunami. Apparently they have forgotten their names and where they live. If they belong to you please contact the relevant authorities.

pic 1 | pic 2 | pic 3 | pic 4 | pic 5

Vertical Pork Chops

2005-01-14T16:28:00.000+02:00

Philip over at hot action is running a bit of a survey. the question: "What is your favourite word for vagina?" my favourite answer so far has to be "Vertical Pork Chops".

New XML feed

2005-01-14T10:30:00.000+02:00

After much wailing and gnashing of teeth, we have tried to fix the splattermail RSS feed. the new RSS URL is: http://feeds.feedburner.com/splattermail if it still doesn't wek please let us know.

If you don't know what rss is, get a clue and go here or here.

In a simple nutshell it allows you to "subscribe" to sites like this and whenever a new post is made it arrives into your RSS reader. Mine is tied into my Outlook and kind of looks like an email. You can also try a web based aggregator like Bloglines if you aren't allowed to install anything on your work computer. RSS is the tsunami of the future, ride it or you'll be begging for aid - don't quote me on that.

Splattermail style

2005-01-14T08:57:00.000+02:00

Jo'blog and their stupid, fancy stretch limo (its real...we saw it) can all go and get stuffed.

Presenting...The Splattermobile. Because there's always room for another cunt on the roads. Watch out!

"Planes, Trains and Plantains: the story of Oedipus"

2005-01-14T08:46:00.000+02:00

Holy smokes!! This is fucking hysterical!! According to the write-up, some dude stole his mate's actual college paper, which was submitted and graded, and posted it on the internet. I almost pissed myself a couple of times - it takes either rank stupidity or balls of steel to hand in an essay like this one.

Sadly, this only serves to remind me that Americans can be funny too. I hate that.

The llama song

2005-01-14T08:39:00.000+02:00

This is fucking weird, but slightly amusing. And in a very similar vein to the gonads and strife ditty. There are some strange people alive in the world today. Check it out.

The hottest ass on the 'net

2005-01-13T08:20:00.000+02:00

Its been called the sexiest ass on the internet. And SHIT...I'm not about to disagree with that! Toadie actually distributed a link to a full gallery a month or two ago (the link is now closed), and we were all stunned. Her name is Julieta, but she's now known around the world as Keyra (apparently her nickname). Frankly, I don't give a fuck what her name is. She could be called Morag for all I care. But I would sell my kidneys just to slap my hands against that tight little rump. HOO HA!! I just got goosebumps.

Click on the picture to view the gallery.

what to do if you have too much time on your hands..

2005-01-12T16:54:00.000+02:00

Gonads and strife. I think the person who put this together should collaborate with splattermail. Our collective IQ's will certainly move up a notch. Although apparently the salami is content with his genius status of 593 - he's reading your mind right now (or making a salami sandwich)(or both).

i smoke too much pot.