Friday, February 11, 2005

Rhinos Get Giant Sun Bed for Better Skin

AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - A Dutch zoo is giving its rhinoceroses sun bed treatment to make up for the lack of sunlight during the cold gray winter months. Rhinos Jennifer and Petra spend up to 20 minutes at a time using their custom built four-meter long sun bed. more

The moral of the story: Before packing a Rhino off to Amsterdam, ask whether she'd actually prefer Ak47 Hydroponic over good old savanna grass.

These are a few of my favourite things....

Time for a bit of Friday humour let's join Michael Jackson as he takes us on a journey of his favourite things. You even get to change his nose halfway through. Oooh! c'mon! Shamone!

Brit and Kev on the rocks?

"New York - Britney Spears' marriage to dancer Kevin Federline is reportedly on the rocks, according to two US magazines.

In Touch Weekly claims Federline, 26, has been socialising on a regular basis without his 23-year-old wife, who he wed in September after a whirlwind romance.

A friend said: "Kevin has suddenly started partying like a single guy. In addition to going out on several occasions without his wedding band on, he's been hanging out with his old posse of pals and flying to Las Vegas for weekends of drinking." News24

Shame. Poor 'ol Britney. She really does seem to put herself through a whole pile of shit. But for once I reckon Kev's got the right idea. Mrs Federline is clearly not looking after herself these days, and so he's only doing what any self respecting man would: taking her money, and blowing it on booze and hookers. Hell, I would.

In other Britney news, the commerical for her new perfume, Curious, has received numerous complaints after it began airing in the UK. I tried to complain the other day, after watching the video for My Prerogative, that it made my pants too tight and cut off the blood supply to my nads, but no-one cared.

offers a synopsis of the ad: "The spot captures Britney in the throes of a fantasy with a guy in the next hotel room, complete with all the sexual imagery you'd expect; lips, fingers, blooming flowers, fingernails clawing skin, fingers against a rain soaked window, a pair of dolls kissing, clenched hands, bulls in a ring, crashing waves, writhing bodies and, finally, open mouth glee. It's 30 second of visual orgasmic bliss."

Fortunately, 30 seconds was all I needed. Of course, we still had to do numerous re-shoots to get the perfect scene

Apparently you can watch it here, but it won't fucking work on my stupid fucking office computer. Work sucks.

Why did they do it?

There's only one way to describe these unfortunate couples: stupid, ugly people whom Fate has clearly decided should not actually be together. So why do they do it? Desperation, I guess.

Far better to be a lonely, chronic masturbator than married to an ugly bitch, I always say. Or to a Kuntz with bushy hair (ha ha bonk).

Sadly, these poor bastards/cows aren't the only daft couples to take the plunge. God knows, there'll be more to come.

"7 Sins"

Now this is my kinda video game. Not like the Leisure Suit Larry series, which got me all excited as a horny teenager, then never properly delivered, and which now fails to really pique my interest as a horny...adult?? (C'mon, not really).

7 Sins promises quite a bit: "Let’s not kid ourselves. Money, fame and pretty girls are what you must acquire for a fulfilled life. Apple City is your stomping ground. Forget all the conventions from your dated education. The 7 SINS allows you to achieve your true potential in a world of money, power and sex."

What other games let you take a peek up a dolly's dress, then drug her and play with her boobies? Apart from the odd round of Rohypnol-Twister at my house, but that's by invitation only. Speaking of which: I'm looking for two or three (or more) limber lasses for a match or two next weekend. Anyone interested?

Check out the "7 Sins" .wmv download, if you wanna.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Splattermail's hottest fan

This is the part where I behave like a schoolboy. HOLY CRIKEY OOHZUS MARIMBA!!!

Would you believe me if I told you that this sexy little buh-buh-buh-belter is a regular Splattermail reader? Well believe it....because its true!!

Click on the picture to visit her blog - and take some time to enjoy it. I have, and I've gone through three pairs of underpants and a pack of Gary Player handkerchiefs.

I think my return to Italy is loooooong overdue.

Postcards for Hitler

"BERLIN - Adolf Hitler may have committed suicide in his bunker in 1945, but Germany's post office still appears to be looking for him.

A postcard mailed to "Fuehrer Adolf Hitler" was given a post office address correction and forwarded to Germany's Parliament, a spokeswoman for the chamber confirmed onWednesday.

Sent from Britain, the card was officially stamped with the "proper" address by the Deutsche Post and the words: "Mail corrected due to insufficient address - please alert sender. Ascertained address: Deutsche Bundestag, 11011 Berlin."

The hand written card, signed only "Herr T." and dated 23 January, begins "Dear Fuehrer Hitler."

The writer goes on to say: "I love and like you so much. I am your very best good friend and your SS personnel ... Thank you so much for coming to see me in your splendid image last night. Please come to see me again. Please take good care of yourself and look after yourself and enjoy. You have my life ... and all my money. Yours faithfully, Herr T."

Pictured on the card is a "love spoon" which is explained as a Welsh tradition to show affection." Expatica

How sweet. Now would Adolf be the big spoon (aka the cheating spoon), or the little spoon? Of course, the sender is clearly a fucking loon. And German. Is that redundant? I think I'm going to get started on some Easter cards to Saddam and Bob Mugabe.

The GoDaddy girl

There's been one helluva rucus raised over GoDaddy.com's rejected Superbowl ad, which features WWE Diva Candice Michelle appearing before a Senate hearing committee, whilst trying to deal with a little "wardrobe malfunction" at the same time.

As reported by WWE, "It was the main topic of the post-Super Bowl chatter around water coolers, message boards and blogspots around the country this morning. GoDaddy.com’s devilish new ad that, in addition to promoting the site, pokes fun at the Puritanical mindset that has pervaded the post-Janet America.

In the ad, a well-endowed, tank-top-clad brunette flounces about before a stuffy Senate committee, touting the benefits of GoDaddy while desperately trying to prevent, shall we say, a “wardrobe malfunction.” The brunette in question is none other than Candace Michelle, one of Raw’s newest Divas, and she took a few minutes out of her increasingly hectic schedule to talk about the commercial."

The full, uncensored ad can be viewed at GoDaddy.com, and its worth a view even if just to see what the fuss is about.

But this is Splattermail. And so we are required, in terms of our founding memorandum, to push this story a little further. So below are some gratuitous links to some naked pictures of Candice Michelle who, as fortune would have it, is also an experienced Skinemax actress. Aaaah, love it.

Candice enjoys a threeway, Candice at the beach and Candice in the bedroom.

Terrorist Top Ten

Thanks, Harps. This is pretty amusing.

Click here to view the video: Terrorist Top Ten - you will need sound.

Harvey Keitel is cool

Ha. I found this cool extract from an interview with actor Harvey Keitel by Premiere magazine at The Corsair. To be honest, Harvey's always freaked me out a little bit. He's kinda hectic, and from what I've read, he can be a bit of a doos in real life. But I really liked the way he handled the questions posed to him below.

"Premiere: You've ... appeared completely naked onscreen.

Harvey Keitel: I've done no nudity in my career.

Premiere: What do you mean? Besides Bad Lieutenant, you do full-frontal nudity in The Piano and Ulysses' Gaze.

Keitel: An actor doesn't do nude scenes. An actor plays an event and tells a story.

Premiere: But it's still your penis that millions of people are seeing.

Keitel: It's not about nudity, it's about revelations. So if anyone wants to discuss nudity with me they can forget about it because it's not relevant. Any of my colleagues that I know would go all the way, just the way i did. I'm no exception. I just happened to have that part at the time.

Whew. Thanks for clearing that up. I thought I was seeing penis, but what I was really watching was "revelation." Later:

Premiere: ... You've worked with a number of directors more than once ...

Keitel: I've been declared difficult by so many people in Hollywood. (Facetiously) I've worked with so many directors more than once because I'm so difficult to work with, you see, and they love having a difficult time with me.

Premiere: The idea that you're difficult obviously bothers you a great deal.

Keitel: I'm fine with my reputation. I say, 'Here's the list of people I've worked with. Show me who you've worked with.' But I have a special dislike for rumor and gossip. It is likened to murder in the Talmud. Why colleagues of mine would feed into that is a mystery to me. But I must say, I read the gossip columns when I'm taking a shit."

Good man. Good answers. He's moved up a few pages in my book.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

...and Nicole flashing her boobs

Not a helluva lot to write home about, but...heck - a boob shot is a boob shot. And a tug is a tug. I have to go wash my hands.

PS. click on the photo. Hard to believe its the same girl, isn't it?

Nicole Richie engaged

Not that I care too much, but its still a significant enough event in my life to warrant a posting. Because I am the biggest Simple Life fan. Please don't ask.

"Life is becoming less simple for Nicole Richie. The co-star of the Fox reality show, "The Simple Life," has become engaged to her boyfriend of one year, disc jockey Adam Goldstein, her publicist, Cindy Guagenti, announced Tuesday.

It will be the first marriage for 23-year-old Richie and Goldstein, whose professional name is DJ AM.

A wedding date wasn't announced.

Richie, the daughter of R&B star Lionel Richie, is co-starring with Paris Hilton on the third season of "The Simple Life." " Yahoo

I like Nicole Richie. I don't love Nicole Richie like I love Paris Hilton, but she's got attitude and I like that. I think I may say 'yes' to a "Simple Life" threeway, when they offer.

Remember Tonya Harding?

...Yes - of the Nancy Kerrigan "Wounded Knee" incident? Well, she's taken a slight career detour, it seems.

"Harding, 35, looks totally different from the 110-pound figure skater she once was. She still has the piercing blue eyes but her 5-foot-1-inch frame is bulked up more than her listed 125 pounds. Her biceps look like telephone poles and she is dressed in a black Everlast warmup suit. She is slated to box Brittney Drake, 25, of the Women's Extreme Wrestling Federation, whose website lists her as 5-6, 120 pounds. It will be Drake's boxing debut, and win, lose, or draw, she will be at her waitress job the next morning $1,000 richer. Harding's fee is undisclosed."

For more, visit The Republica

Well, I can't say that Tonya ever really gave me happy feelings in my love pouch, but she's one scary lookin' bitch now. I'm not sure that female boxers are really my vibe in general, though. Although there was definately something about Michelle Rodriguez in that movie Girlfight.

And don't forget 2005 SAG Best Actress winner and Oscar frontrunner, Hilary (also not really my type) Swank in the yet-to-be-released-in-SA Million Dollar Baby. Seems chicks with gloves and biceps are en vogue.

Bollocks to that, I say.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

11 acceptable times to use the F word..

From Feld Thoughts, great blog.

11 times in history that the word "Fuck" was appropriate....

11. “What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?” – Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. “What the @#$% was that?” – Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945
9. “Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?” – Custer, 1877
8. “Any @#$%ing idoit could understand that.” – Einstein, 1938
7. “It does so @#$%ing look like her!” – Picasso, 1926
6. “How the @#$% did you work that out?” – Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. “You want WHAT on the @#$%in ceiling?” – Michelangelo, 1566
4. “Where the @#$% are we?” – Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. “Scattered @#$% showers, my ass!” – Noah, 4314 BC
2. “Aw c’mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?” – Bill Clinton, 1998
1. “Geez, I didn’t think they’d get this @#$%^ing mad.” – Saddam Hussein, 2003

Why you should never take odds from a Welshman

"LONDON (Reuters) - A Welsh rugby fan cut off his own testicles to celebrate Wales beating England at rugby, the Daily Mirror has reported.

Geoff Huish, 26, was so convinced England would win Saturday's match he told fellow drinkers at a social club, "If Wales win I'll cut my balls off", the paper said on Tuesday.

Friends at the club in Caerphilly, south Wales, thought he was joking.

But after the game Huish went home, severed his testicles with a knife, and walked 200 metres back to the bar with the testicles to show the shocked drinkers what he had done.

Huish was taken to hospital where he remained in a seriously ill condition, the paper said. Police told the paper he had a history of mental problems.

Wales's 11-9 victory over England at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff was their first home win over England in 12 years

....sigh. Knowing the Welsh, this story is not a surprise. Scary bastards, they are. Although a pickled scrotum in a jar, labelled with the date, teams and result, would be a charming addition to any pub counter.

How not to jump into a pool

:: click to view ::
(click on pic above. takes a bit of time to load)

Topless Britney is a fake


Remember the groundbreaking nipple shot of Britney (above) that featured on Splattermail just a few days ago? Well, as luck (and The Superficial) would have it...its a fake. Hooray.

This is the photo-shopped picture which the asshole techno-geeks tweaked, and its not nearly as exciting:

Notice the devastating absence of a nipple? Drives me up the fucking wall, I tell you. And to think I spent so many hours in a darkened room with my pants around my ankles over a fraud. I feel all dirty now.

Such a waste.

Hillary Duff loves the cock

...and if you don't believe me, ask the Trojan prophylactic carelessly left in the sanctity of her handbag for photo-shop geeks with overdeveloped forearms to expose to the world.

Gotta love the geeks, though.

I've never quite been able to make up my mind about Hillary Duff. There's something cute about her, and its not her chubby arms and compact, sturdy physique (quiet vomit) - maybe it was the wholesome, unspoilt air with which she used to carry herself? I think so - and I wanted to be the degenerate who snatched it all away from her. I think we're getting somewhere now.

If the photo-shop geeks could zoom a little closer, you might actually be able to see "For use only on Salami" scrawled across the wrapper in cramped little letters (usually the product of stubby fingers). Aaaaaaah, fuck it. She can wait.

Superbowl Ads

The annual NFL Superbowl has become just as internationally recognised these days for the millions of dollars that big brand America pumps into the advertising slots knitted into the game as it has for being the premier sporting fixture on the US calendar.

2005's Superbowl, which took place on Sunday in Jacksonville, Florida, saw the New England Patriots run out 24-21 winners (for the third time in four years) over the Philadelphia Eagles.

But who really gives a fuck about football. Apart from Naas Botha. We have ALL the ads (sorry, "commercials") flighted during the Superbowl itself, which is way more entertaining.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Office nickname generator

Yes, yes. We've all seen it 1 000 000 000 000 million times before, and its soooo last season. But I still like it.

Just click here: The Office Nickname Generator

I used to be "hottie". I've now been downgraded to "skank", "that bitch" and "dildo". Its amazing how accurate this fucking thing is. Anyone else called anything interesting?

Could it be?

Not that Splattermail will ever be a car blog, mind you. But I couldn't resist posting a shot of the "2007 Ferrari SUV" - could it be true?

Home pole dancing kit

"Peekaboo Pole Dancing is the world's first fantasy pole dancing game designed for use in the home. It's a giggle and a cheeky peek into the art of pole dancing without going the whole hog of getting the builders in to fit a permanent pole."

Cool. The site even has a demo video, which has a distinctive Verimark feel about it. The model I bought comes with an inflatable pole dancer - just velcro her hands around the pole, pull out the air plug and watch her dance.

And don't forget...Peekaboo Lap Dancing: "Unleash the sexy, lap dancing diva inside with the Peekaboo Home Lap Dancing Kit. Soon you'll be flaunting it everynight with Peekaboo's easy to learn guide book and game."

Maybe I'll do some Peekaboo shopping for my folks for their wedding anniversary next month.

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