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Friday, January 21, 2005

Jenna Bush loves the Dark Lord



This is hardly surprising, of course. But it is amusing. Jenna Bush is clearly thanking her boyfriend, the hunky Prince of Darkness, Satan himself, for letting her dad win another term. By this simple gesture at Dubbya's inauguration yesterday, she has shed light and clarity on the mindfuck that has characterised American politics over the past 5 years: George is just a dumb muppet with the devil's hand up his ass. I get it now. I still hate him.



slam dunk...

Some cheerleading guys tossing a team mate through a basketball hoop. I love how they just high five each other and forget about the poor chick who's been thrown 10 feet in the air and done a bollemekiesie (sp?) through a little hoop.




I still hate Bush



Frankly, it seems I don't like any kind of Bush (see post below). Except bushes for bush-diving, for which I still hope to receive Springbok colours. But that's another personal issue altogether. And although most bushes typically cover a twat, this Bush is a twat. And I hate him most of all.

Sadly, Twat Bush was sworn in as the USA's 43rd president yesterday. Again. And there were protestors. Again.

God save us all. Amen.

You can read more about it here.



Aaah...female merkins



The merkin is a strange beast indeed. Personally, the balder the mott, the happier The Salami. If I wanted a floss and a facial scrub, I would have booked appointments with my oral hygienist and dermatologist, both of whom are clean shaven. Or so I fantasise.

Female pubic hair is an odd phenomenon. Women don't like having hair anywhere else on their bodies (bar their heads and their eyebrows), so why the hell should there be any debate about whether their beautiful places should be bushy or not? I'm quite happy to compromise on a well-pruned brazilian or landing strip, even a little bonzai rose shrub, but for fuck's sake - the woolly mammoths that characterised 70's and 80's smut, like their ancient, less metaphoric predecessors, should by now be extinct.

And I'm a Millenium Man - I'll keep my golden locks of love well trimmed, if that's what the ladies are looking for. Also, it adds an inch or two to your schlong - old Jedi porn star mind trick.

Anyways, enough about this. If you really gotta getta merkin, here's the place.

How bout sharing your thoughts on this highly contraversial, yet topical and meaningful issue?



Anal month



Oh, boy! Time really does fly! Is it Anal Month again so soon? Although, according to my flatmate, every month is Anal Month. I just can't wait for Anal Day, when the festive turd comes racing through every living room in the world at around 3am, leaving presents and skidmarks for all those good boys and girls who can squeeze an orange up their exit holes. Or were my parents lying to me?



Thursday, January 20, 2005

Chloe Sevigny is a bad girl

WOW!! Now this is the stuff that Splattermail was born to promote!! Actress Chloe Sevigny (Boys Don't Cry, American Psycho, Kids and last Monday night's Will and Grace) has finally pushed the envelope over the edge, artistically blurring the line between cinema and porno. Whatever. She fuckin' gives some lucky dude head...in her movie The Brown Bunny!! WOWOWOWOW!!! And I fucking wore the VCR out trying to toss my nuts over Sharon Stone's can-you-see-it-can't-you-see-it beef curtain flasher. Jeez, we've all grown up fast.



Now this is not fresh news, I have to confess. I have seen it before, but have only discovered the video clip of it now!! Spectacular!! And what kind of cheap Salami would I be if I didn't share it with y'all?

I'm unpacking the plastic macintosh and booking a front row seat at the matinee for this one! Popcorn strictly optional. Bog roll mandatory.

The future of cinema has never looked brighter. Sigh.

PS. Man, this chick really loves the cock. And she swallows. I'm in love. Again.

PPS. I couldn't believe it. This is incredible.

PPPS. *schpünken*



The last page on the internet....

The Hasselhoffian Recursion

So offensive, so hideous, so unpleasant, yet i cannot look away....



You're now under the Hof's spell.

"Undress me with your eyes, I already removed my jean pant and CAT boot from my sexy chassis for your added pleasure...."




Wednesday, January 19, 2005

back then...

This is Rich...! when he was younger:

This is ../Ant when he was more good looking:


who moved my....

just saw on weakest link:

Fiona: "George. Complete the title: "Who moved my .......?"
George: "Mojo"


Why it sucks to be Brad Pitt



Don't be an idiot. It can't suck to be Brad Pitt. The above pic is from a set of photo's that recently started doing the rounds - for the brain dead, they show Brad and Angelina Jolie (crikey Moses, she's a fucking demon from hell, sent to mess with my loins) getting all close and cuddly whilst filming their new movie, Mr and Mrs Smith, in Amalfi (Italy).

"“There really seemed to be a chemistry between them,” said one onlooker. Unfortunately for Jennifer Aniston, she wasn’t the woman on her husband’s arm — it was Angelina Jolie. Star has never-before-seen photos showing the movie stars as they tenderly touched in the small, quaint seaside resort town near Naples.

The pictures show the Mr. and Mrs. Smith co-stars getting increasingly cozy after the movie cameras stopped rolling on the film they were shooting. The pair, according to witnesses, took a stroll together along the picturesque streets of the village and were “always laughing and joking.”
" The Star

Angelina, however, is adamant that she has not been indulging in any kind of kinky sex with Brad - she has only done it missionary and doggie, and there was the one time that they did it over the back of a chez lounge, but that doesn't count because she took it up the shizzer. Angelina had this to say:

""I've been painted as the Wicked Witch of the West and a marriage wrecker," Jolie complained in an article yesterday on the IMDb.com Web site. "Half the world believes we had an affair and I'm the one to blame."

But that's simply not true, the Oscar-winning "Girl, Interrupted" star said.

"All I've ever been to Brad is a shoulder to cry on," she said. "The truth is, I was there to try to help him through his pain." " NYDN

I have a lot of pain. Mostly in my balls. I wish she'd help me through my pain. Sometimes it sucks to be The Salamai - only sometimes, mind you.



Traffic light scam


Thanks, Harps. Sorry I couldn't fix the formatting. Its a jpeg, and I couldn't be arsed.



Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Rent-a-midget



Especially for our Toadie. Now, for the Super 12, you too can have "a little person at the Big Game or playoff BBQ serving drinks and starting shenanigans".

How wonderful. What kind of twisted imbecile would want to rent a midget (sorry, Toadie - you're alright)? Prostitution I get. Kind of. Scratch that.

Fancy your very own midget? Fuck off.



Monday, January 17, 2005

"You're fired!"



The second coming of The Donald - karma can be funny. I think.

Anyways, this one's for the ladies. The Salami is very fond of puppies, long beach walks and talking for hours down by the fireplace. Just as long as we bump uglies afterwards.



Where do they come from?





...and why do they haunt my dreams? Where have these amateur webcam visions of perfection been all my life? They are the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Of course, if this bbbbbbelter would get together for a spread (mmmm) with Keyra, I could die a happy man.

Especially for D'ave...the gallery.





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