Friday, October 29, 2004


"LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Former "Baywatch" TV star David Hasselhoff pleaded no contest on Thursday to a charge of drunk driving and was ordered to attend an alcohol treatment program for six months.

Hasselhoff, who played a lifeguard in the international hit show "Baywatch," was also ordered to perform 200 hours of community service and given three years probation.

The actor has struggled for several years to control his drinking, taking part in a rehab program in 2002 after admitting he had hit "rock bottom.

Mitch Buchanan! Oh, Mitchy...how the mighty (or mighty crap) have fallen. Off the sidewalk and into the gutter. I suppose that's what you get for cruising across America with a talking car who probably does most of the driving for you. Although it sure as hell beats Toot 'n Scoot, I guess: "Michael [with William Daniels voice]...have you been drinking again, you fucking jerkoff?".

Jeez, I hope he doesn't get lifeguard duty as community service. And I'll bet his little trunks are wishing the same. Man, I'm way over David Hasselhoff.

"Cos I'm always ready...I won't let you out of my site": check out the rest of the Baywatch Theme lyrics

De Niro Is 'Greatest Living Actor'

"Robert De Niro has been voted the world's greatest living actor.

The star topped the
poll thanks to roles in hits such as The Godfather Part II and Taxi Driver.

De Niro's fellow Godfather star Al Pacino came second in the poll, compiled by Empire magazine, followed by Jack Nicholson.

Silence of the Lambs star Sir Anthony Hopkins is the only Briton to make it into the top 10
. "

The rest of the list looks like this:

1. Robert De Niro
2. Al Pacino
3. Jack Nicholson
4. Paul Newman
5. Marlon Brando - died before voting was complete
6. Anthony Hopkins
7. Morgan Freeman
8. Dustin Hoffman
9. Clint Eastwood
10. Sigourney Weaver
11. Gene Hackman
12. Harrison Ford
13. Sean Connery
14. Meryl Streep
15. Ian McKellen
16. Christopher Lee
17. Sidney Poitier
18. Robert Redford
19. Alan Rickman
20. Judi Dench

Personally, I was a little disappointed. Sigourney Weaver? Christopher Lee? Ian McKellen? I'm definately a tad confused. Where's Tom Hanks (who must feature on most lists)? Where's Sean Penn? Johnny Depp? And for the ladies: where's Jenna Jameson?

My list would probably have looked something like this:

1. Chevy Chase (the funniest man alive)
2. Will Ferrell
3. Bill Murray
4. Benny Hill
5. David Spade
6. Pauly Shore
7. Sir Lawrence Olivier
8. Jeff Bridges
9. Keanu Reeves
10. John Cusack

Right. Please publish your comments and personal lists - this is it: Splattermail's top ten movie stars of all time poll.

Yes, Sir Lawrence Olivier is actually dead. I'm expecting to probably take some abuse for my list. But, just so you know, I'm only joking!

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Ananzi kiss my ass

Ananzi, South Africa's foremost search engine (humbug), can kiss my hairy, white ass. The bastards refused to list Splattermail because...we do "not appear to be South African". Morons. Here's the email I got from them earlier today.

">From: Ananzi <submissions@ananzi.com>
>To: Splattermail>
>Subject: Ananzi Submission
>Date: Thu, 28 Oct 2004 11:01:33 +0200 (GMT)
>Dear [Salami]
>We would like to inform you that your site has unfortunately been rejected by the Ananzi Search Engine for the following reason:
>URL : http://www.splattermail.blogspot.com
>Reason : Your site does not appear to be Southern African. Unfortunately according to Ananzi's policy we can unfortunately only accept Southern African sites or sites related to Southern Africa.
>Thank you for using the Ananzi Search Engine (www.ananzi.co.za).
>The Administrator"

I was fucking mad, so I replied:

"Mnr Die Administrateur

Ek was baie teleurgesteld toe ek jou e-pos van 28 Oktober 2004 gelees het.
As u eintlik ooit by my site gekuier het, sou u onmiddelik gesien het dat die inhoud daarvan, alhoewel dikwels van 'n internasionale aard, is met 'n onteenseglike Suid Afrikaanse geur geskryf.

En, as u half 'n brein het, sou u ook maklik opgemerk het dat, direk bo die liggaam van die site, is dit duidelik gestaat: "Splattermail news views entertainment and other kak. A South African blog".

Maar dis ok. Ananzi is a kak search engine, vir kak mense, en is waarskynlik deur vertraagde poephols gehanteer.

Nou fokof. Julle mors my tyd.

Die Salami van Killarney af. "

Bollocks to Ananzi. Bollocks, I say.

George W Bush: Movie Villain of the Year

"LONDON (Reuters) - President Bush may see himself as defender of democracy and compassionate conservatism but British film fans have voted him "Movie Villain of the Year."

The American "Axis of Evil" fighter is wooing voters with security pledges ahead of the presidential election next week, but it was Bush's role in Michael Moore's anti-war film "Fahrenheit 9/11" that won him the villainous title.

In a poll for Total Film magazine, the U.S. leader fought off competition from such well-known baddies as atomic scientist Doctor Octopus from "Spider-Man 2" and fellow Texan Leatherface from "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

"The overwhelming response of our readers voting Bush top villain just goes to show how frightening people found him in Fahrenheit 9/11," Total Film's editor Matt Mueller told Reuters.

"He was absolutely terrifying in that film. The infamous scene where he's informed about the Twin Towers attack while visiting a school, and sits there absolutely paralyzed, is enough to strike fear into anyone's heart," he said.

Hoo ha! Not gonna argue with this one - George W's a very scary man. Did anyone see his cameo appearance in Dawn of the Dead? Very, very contraversial: the filmmakers cast him as a brainless, shuffling, mumbling zombie; George thought he was cast as himself. Either way, he still needed help with his lines.

Only 7 (or so) more sleeps to go....

Ashlee Simpson...again

Sorry to bring up the topic again, but little Ashlee has publicly responded to the widespread furor surrounding her recent little lip synching blips on Saturday Night Live. Here's what she wrote in her diary (available on her official site, for all you weirdo fans):

"I'm sure you all have figured out how crazy its been the last few days,but I just wanted to personally write to y'all-my true fans-and thank you for your support and love. I have decided to speak openly and honestly about what happened on snl because I want you guys to know what really happened. My acid reflux started acting up and I know my real fans know that music and performing is my true passion and you support me for that....I couldn't control what happened that day. People always say things that are hurtful,and I encourage my fans to do what I do and not read what people are saying on the internet...in a couple of days everyone's attention will be on someone else. As far as me and my band are concerned...we are all a family and love each other very much-they are the best guys in the world and I wouldn't want anyone else to be with me at this time.

Keep up the support...its the love my fans have shown me that makes me want to go back out there and continue to prove all the negative press wrong!

Acid reflux?? What the bull fucking crap? I get acid reflux every now and then, but mostly after I've been drinking myself close to catatonia. Is Ashlee suggesting she's a booze hound? Hell, I like her even more! And "y'all"?? Its fucked up enough to say it, but this bimbo is actually writing it? No wonder the broader American populace is so impressed by George Bush! In the land of the brain dead, the man with a stone and two walnuts in his skull is king, I guess.

Let's wait and see what the media reaction to acid-fucking-reflux is, shall we?

Multiple Origami

"A paper-folding expert claims to have erected the world's biggest origami penis.

Nick Robinson was celebrating the launch of his new book, Adult Origami, in London.

The 10ft 7in penis was constructed by Tower Bridge and in the shadow of London's Gherkin skyscraper.

Nick spent 33 minutes 15 seconds struggling with a huge sheet of paper as he worked on folding the giant phallus.

He then transported the penis to City Hall to amuse passers-by and officials watching from the uppermost balcony." Ananova

Wow! This guy is a paper-folding expert! Blimey! Maybe for his next trick he'll build the world's largest paper asshole, and then wear it around London as a hat. If I was this guy's boss (not at International Paper Folding Inc, mind you), I'd fire him for being a twisted, boring twat, and for wasting valuable office paper supplies. No doubt he's got lots of little Post-it vaginas and boobs scattered around his desk.

Clearly this dude has a teeny knob (you know what they say...small real penis, humungous paper dick), but for the love of all things bright and beautiful, think about the Amazon! How many tiny, otherwise insignificant species are now extinct because this guy folded a big, stupid cock? Oooh, it makes me mad!

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

"The Simple Life 3"

"NEW YORK (Reuters) - Two rich blond women and three dogs will board a Greyhound bus on Wednesday -- with dozens of cameramen, makeup artists and hangers-on in hot pursuit -- as a new installment of the reality TV show "The Simple Life" starts filming.

The stars of the show, heiress Paris Hilton and her best friend Nicole Richie, said they planned to spend the eve of their departure packing -- nine suitcases for Hilton and six for Richie.

"I never end up wearing even half the things I bring, but it's always good to have a selection. You never know where we're going or what the weather's going to be like," Hilton said.

Fox scored a major hit with the first two seasons of "The Simple Life." In the first season, the pair were transplanted to a farm in middle America, while the second season saw the duo traveling from town to town in a camper van.

This time, the pair will visit major cities along the East Coast and work as interns in a range of jobs, including stints on Wall Street and in a classroom. "

Hooray! Just...Hooray! Life is good.

Arnie statue scrapped

"Plans to build an 80ft statue of Arnold Schwarzenegger's Terminator character in his Austrian home town have been scrapped because he's backing President Bush.

The steel abstract design was unveiled in a blaze of publicity last year with public and private backers putting up the money for the £3.5 million project.

The statue was set to tower over other more traditional statues of lesser recognised individuals such as composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart - or the Austrian Emperor Kaiser Franz Joseph
." Ananova

OK. Fucking Austrians. Coincidently, the same 80ft statue was yesterday seen strolling around Sandton, before finally settling into a barney to the death with the jolly, peanut-headed Nelson Mandela monolith that gives me the heebie-jeebies every time I walk underneath it.

I don't mind Arnie. But if every town in the world decided to build an 80ft statue of its local hero, Pretoria would probably stick up a platinum, grinning Steve Hofmeyr - and no-one really wants that.

Taiwan politics

"TAIPEI (Yahoo News) - A food fight erupted in Taiwan's parliament on Tuesday as lawmakers quarrelling over a massive arms budget hurled their lunch boxes at each other.

"You've got no shame!" screamed Chu Fong-chih of the opposition Nationalist Party, after throwing a take-out box of chicken and rice at Chen Tsung-yi, a legislator from the ruling Democratic Progressive Party who backed the special budget.

Chen responded by accusing Chu of sympathizing with Taiwan's arch-foe China, and flung his own lunch box at her.

Taiwan's parliament is notorious for fistfights, with many lawmakers enjoying the media attention when scuffles break out. Chairs and shoes have also been known to fly across the chamber on occasion.

You gotta love the Taiwanese...I suppose. I also like Chinese food a lot (which I'm guessing is close to Taiwanese food?). But most importantly - THIS is the way parliamentary debates should be handled. A few babotie, samoosa and pap fights in Cape Town would probably up viewership ratings for Parliamentary TV (you can find it somewhere on DSTV) by about 100 000%, and people might actually take an interest in what their elected representatives get up to during the day. Its a well known fact that MP attendance levels at parliamentary sessions are appalling, so maybe an occasional pie-chucking or ANC Smackdown will ensure that delegates pop in periodically to avoid getting caught without egg on their face. Culinary accountability - I like it!

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Hoe om te vloek

Are you a foreigner or just a regular soutie from Durbs? Have you ever wanted to say something nasty to a boer in Afrikaans - with confidence? Well now, with new Insultmonger, you can!

First lesson: "kak" = shit

Second lesson: "poephol" = asshole

Third lesson: "Suig aan my aambeie en wag vir beter dae" = Suck on my hemorrhoids and wait for better days

and...Finally: "Sy is so jags sy drup soos 'n perkuleerder" = She is so horny she drips like a percolator.

(They get worse, but lots of little girls visit my site, and I wanted to keep it relatively clean).

Check out the link - thanks to smg (I think).

Tales from Lenny's crapper

"Lenny Kravitz is being sued after his blocked toilet allegedly caused 'catastrophic' damage to a neighbour's apartment.

Kravitz is accused of causing about £170,000 of damage to retired Joel Disend's home in Manhattan, reports the BBC.

Insurance company Amica Mutual claimed Kravitz allowed 'a commode to become blocked, clogged and congested with various materials'.

Kravitz owns a 6,000-square-foot duplex in the building, where Courtney Love is also a tenant." Ananova

I don't really want to dwell too long on this one (although these clearly are not words Lenny Kravitz would use in respect of his china pot).

If anyone's interested, I'll be watching Ebay over the next few days to see how long it takes for some degenerate to try and punt a log of Lenny's turd. Judging by the Britney-chewing-gum incident, it could fetch a pretty packet.

I feel nauseous, so that's all.

Ashlee Simpson's lip synching debacle

"NEW YORK (Reuters) - Ashlee Simpson is reportedly taking the heat for deciding to lip-sync during a performance on NBC's "Saturday Night Live" over the weekend, a plan that backfired when the vocals to the wrong song were audible during her second appearance.

Simpson had already performed her single "Pieces of You" and had returned to the "SNL" stage to run through the title track of her Geffen debut album, "Autobiography." As the band kicked into the song, her vocals to the first song were heard while Simpson held her microphone at her side.

Flustered, she improvised a few dance steps before bolting from the stage. NBC quickly cut to a commercial.

At the close of the show, Simpson deflected the blame, telling the viewing audience "I feel so bad. My band started playing the wrong song." Geffen issued a statement blaming a computer glitch that should have played pre-recorded percussion rather than the "Pieces of You" vocals.

Yes, I know we don't get Saturday Night Live in South Africa (and what a crying shame that is too!), and that no-one really gives a crap about Ashlee Simpson (sister of Britney-wannabe, Jessica), but this little hiccup did make serious entertainment headlines around the world (read: "America"), and it serves as a reminder as to just how useless live TV can be these days.

Did the music industry not learn from Milli Vanilli? Or Beethoven (he was deaf - his crap must have been pre-recorded)? Young Ashlee's pretty fortunate, because no-one really thinks she sings all that well anyway, and I guess most of her audience (decked out in training bra's and Tinkerbell makeup....oooohh, shivers) don't really give a fuck either. So no big loss. Right?

But, to Ashlee's pubescent credit, she eventually took the blame herself: "I'll hold my head high and say I think it was silly of me to do it, silly of me to blame the band, I was just so f---ing embarrassed," she added. "But I don't think it did me much harm, and people will see that soon."

Good girl - taken like a real woman! She moves up a notch or two in my belt - largely due to the dirty talk, of course.

Paris in love match?

"Hotel honey Paris Hilton is playing doubles with Australian tennis hunk Mark Philippoussis, but his jilted girlfriend would like to backhand them both.

"The Simple Life" reality-TV star went public over the weekend about her new ace, and rubbed salt on scorned Aussie pop star Delta Goodrem's wounded heart by calling her "boring."

"I've got a new man and I'm head over heels in love. I adore him, he's so hot. His name is Mark Philippoussis," Hilton, 23, told reporters Saturday, while on a shopping spree in West Hollywood with her sister, Nicky, who recently split with her husband of six weeks, Todd Meister.

Paris even showed off a photo of a bare-chested Philippoussis, 27, that she keeps on her cell phone display. When he responded to her text message, she gushed, "I love him, I love him, I love him."

Jeez, Louise. Scary. He's "so hot"? "I love him, I love him, I love him"? What, is Paris a fucking 12-year old first discovering the joys of girlhood? No! That was a few months ago, when she showed the world that she knew exactly what the joys of girlhood are (as well as the joys of boyhood...mmmmmm).

Still, I suppose it is kinda sweet that even billionaire socialite porn stars get excited when the new man in their life sms's them. I get that way as well with girls, so I'm not going to bitch too much. Although things usually end up pretty messy when they discover I somehow managed to get a bare-chested photo of them onto my phone display.

I still think Paris is a fly beeatch.

Monday, October 25, 2004

More Pinkies Party Pics

In case you didn't read the post below, pinkie party pictures and videos are available by clicking here (unfortunately during the editing stage, the times were lost, so there's no chronological order at all. sorry). ALSO, some of the pics are quite big so it might take a bit of time to load (unfortunately i have a day job, so resizing a whole lot of pictures is low on the priority list).

Send an email to "splattermail [at] gmail.com" if you want a particular picture in high res (or an invite to gmail).


[Salami addendum: "We apologise for the poor quality of many of the pics and videos - this is due to the fact that the Splattermail photographers were, by and large, pretty Splattered for most of the day. Please excuse us. If anyone else has photos, PLEASE SHARE WITH US!!!"]

fuck you

i'd like to take this opportunity from where i can voice my opinion on a public level, to say a big fuck you to both the mosquito and the noisy biatch upstairs that kept me awake last night. fortunately i could eliminate the mosquito. as for the ho from upstairs between a mixture of some weird kind of grunting/coughing sound, loud phone calls shouting at boyfriends or ex boyfriends or, and most likely, to an engaged signal you suck ass (probably literally).

by the way, Pinkie party pictures and videos are available by clicking here. (unfortunately during the editing stage, the times were lost, so there's no chronological order at all. sorry)

Temptation, temptation

"Cambodia (News24) - Two Buddhist monks abandoned their vows after they fell in love with teenage girls who sold beer across from their temple in central Cambodia, a newspaper reported on Monday.

The two monks - Nang Pong and Vom Vong, both 19 - gave up their monastic lives on Thursday after the chief monk at their temple accused them of secretly courting the girls in violation of Buddhist precepts, The Cambodia Daily reported.

I guess that's what happens when you decide to open a temple across the way from Hooters. Unless there's some kind of silent "master plan", that is, in which case its a brilliant tactical move.

In other news, a man in Uzbekistan recently also fell in love with a woman who sold him beer. Heck, does anyone else notice a pattern developing? Does woman+beer=love? Or does woman+beer=loadsof6a.m.hungoverregret? I guess it all depends on how effective your beer goggles are. Or whether you're a monk (in which case, tits and a pulse will do, i suppose).

Thanks to Harps, our man in the field.

Pinkies Party

Aaah. Many thanks from Splattermail to the Passion Palace for one heck of a do last Saturday. We trust that the clean-up went well - although we did clean up (in a manner of speaking) during the course of the party itself.

Dressed to the letter "P", or shamelessly splashed in pink, party-goers were treated to a solid opening set from rockers The Parlotones, a drunken karaoke exhibition from Justin "Is every one having a good time?" Bergh, and a spectacular show from main attraction Prime Circle, who had the pink masses bouncing and screaming like pre-school kids in a sherbet factory. And once the bands had packed it in, it was up to the resident DJ to keep the party pumping - a feat he achieved with aplomb.

After destroying kilolitres of beer and Pink Punch, I would be fascinated to know how many people actually managed to find their way to the after party at Night Fever. And how many are sitting in charge offices and prison cells throughout Jo'burg just for trying to get there.

If any Splattermail readers have any Pinkies Party photos or news that they'd like to share, please submit them. smg has been charged with the duty of gathering photos taken by some Splattermail regulars, and will (hopefully) be posting a few more during the course of the day.

Once again - a fucking AWESOME party! Too bad it was the last one. Sob.

Take a stroll down ACDC Lane

"MELBOURNE (Reuters) - AC/DC formed in Sydney in 1974, but it's the Australian city of Melbourne that has honored the veteran hard rock band with its own street.

On Oct. 1, Melbourne City Council renamed Corporation Lane in the city center ACDC Lane, at a ceremony attended by 500 fans. A bagpiper played the 1975 track "It's a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock 'N' Roll)" at the festivities, while local bands played other AC/DC material for five hours in a nearby bar. Recording commitments prevented the band from attending, but guitarist Angus Young sent a message: "Melbourne was our stomping ground in the early days. If you could make it in Melbourne, you could make it anywhere else in the world

So Australia are finally catching on to what I always believed was a South African phenomenon? Good for them! And its all due to the successes of such musical greats as Beyers Naude, Peter Mokaba and Nelson Mandela (whose falsetto warblings and dance floor antics inspired the latter's nickname, Nelson "Trousersnake" Mandela, long before JT was even a twinkling in his mother's and her brother's eyes). Sorry, its been a heavy weekend.

Superman casting confirmed


"Little-known actor Brandon Routh will be the new Superman, Warner Brothers has announced.

The 25-year-old has been cast as the Man Of Steel in the as yet untitled movie, set for release in 2006.

Warner Brothers President Alan Horn said: I think we're going to make a Superman movie that all of us can be very proud to bring to our audience around the world."

Routh was chosen for the role of Superman following an exhaustive search that spanned North America, Britain and Australia.

Producer Bryan Singer added: "It was always my absolute intention to hire an unknown for this role.

"Brandon is an extremely fine actor who possesses the physical qualifications of Clark Kent/ Superman."

Routh's television credits include Will & Grace and Cold Case." Ananova

Personally, i think this dufus looks like a real knucklehead. Somebody call "The Bold and the Beautiful" and tell them one of their inbred, plastic-haired cast took a wrong turning outside the studio and wandered into another lot.

Maybe it'll add a new dimension to the film? What does Clark say when he discovers that Lois Lane once had sex with his father in a barebacking parlour, and that she is in fact his mother, but then she was involved in a horrible car crash and forgot all about it, whilst at the same time Lois' slightly retarded twin sister, Magda, pretending to be Lois, is possessed by an evil demon, who convinces her that she is pregnant with Clark's baby? And so on, and so on. Tune in again tomorrow for more.

My expectations for this movie have been lowered.

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