Friday, October 01, 2004

Gareth Cliff: Guilty

"Johannesburg - Jokes about mental illness are out.

This was the ruling of the Broadcasting Complaints Commission after comments by 5fm DJ, Gareth Cliff.

Cliff said on air that people who suffer from mental illness "should be chained in a cell and fed porridge".

The controversial DJ was found guilty of inciting violence against the mentally ill.

Cliff said on his drive-time show on June 22 that courts should mete out heavier punishments to those who are mentally ill because "they are a danger to society"

Damn! I actually heard his quip that day, and remember thinking to myself: "What a fucking tit! You can't say that on radio?". Looks like I was right! Sadly, its not the first time that this asshole has made stupid comments like this on air - I've heard him pass a few borderline racist comments before. And then of course there's his usual, incessant stream of bullshit. I don't like Gareth Cliff much. For every amusing thing he says, he vomits up something that really pisses me off. I'm just glad that there are people out there who agree with me.

Article: http://www.news24.com/News24/Entertainment/Local/0,,2-1225-1242_1598263,00.html

(Sorry bout the lack of visual, even though Gareth Cliff's an ugly tosser, but my photo hosting website is giving me shit again - fuck them too!)

Cut 'n blow

"SPRINGFIELD TOWNSHIP, Ohio -- A Summit County sheriff's deputy turned himself in for allegedly masturbating under a salon cape while he was getting his hair highlighted in a salon, reported NewsChannel5.

Eric Shane (above) was charged Wednesday with public indecency a misdemeanor. He pleaded not guilty.

Karen Crawford, who owns the Springfield salon where the incident occurred, said she is unhappy with the bad press her upscale salon and day spa is getting.

Shane is a 14-year veteran with the sheriff's department. Crawford says Shane tried to go in for second and third appointments after the incident, but the staff refused

Cool, man. I think my hair could do with a trim, and its a damn sight cheaper than hookers. Just got to find a tidy little hairdresser...

Thursday, September 30, 2004

This blog could get me fired.

Apparently, and thanks to the wonderous Canadian courts, there is now international precedent to support the contention that blogging could get the blogger fired!

"When Penny Cholmondeley found piles of abandoned machinery and rusted cans lying on the snowy tundra outside Iqaluit, she decided they were a "fascinating source of visual material" and posted pictures of the garbage on her personal Internet blog.

Her boss at the Nunavut Tourism agency didn't think the 29-year-old's on-line journal showed off Iqaluit's Arctic charms, however, and fired her from her job as tourism marketing officer.

At the time of her dismissal in July, Ms. Cholmondeley said she never expected her case to get much attention. But her firing has stirred up a buzz among bloggers as the latest example of the collision between business interests, freedom of speech, and the popular on-line diaries known as Web logs, or blogs".

Whilst this does irk me a tad, I think it is quite obvious (although I will state it expressly neveretheless) that the opinions posted on Splattermail in no way represent the opinions of my employers or fellow employees (who shall remain anonymous). Are we cool?

Now, here's an opinion: fuck Canada for adding to my already unnecessarily high stress levels.

(Thanks to m and d for the heads-up.)

The latest Superman buzz

"Variety has confirmed that Superman is "tentatively booked" to film at Fox Studios in Australia beginning in early 2005. Director Bryan Singer and assorted Warner Brothers personnel visited the studio a few weeks ago. The shoot is said to be scheduled for 120 days

'When asked if it will be a sequel, remake, or origin story, (Singer) said, in so many words, sequel," claims AICN's scooper. "He said that the previous movies will be referenced in a 'vague historical sense' (this wasn't clarified), and that the origin itself will be handled in the same way it was in the first Batman movie, with intercutting flashbacks.'"

I'm a gettin' quite psyched for this movie. Ever since it was confirmed that Nicholas Cage will not be fucking the film up, I've been optimistic about it. I'm not too crazy about the selection of Bryan Singer as director, but who the fuck ever listens to what I think? Although he arguably did alright with the X-Men movies, I've always felt that they were rather flat and popcorn-driven. Personally, I would prefer a darker, more serious Superman, ala Christopher Nolan's upcoming Batman Begins (trailers for which are already showing in South African cinemas). Guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Read more: http://filmforce.ign.com/superman/articles/551/551581p1.html

Star Wars v Star Trek

Just in case you ever wondered who would win in a dog fight between Captain James T Kirk and Captain Han Solo, here's the conclusive answer. Thanks to Oros Gray for his tireless research in this regard.


Another night in Paris

Oh boy! Paris Hilton's been at it again! The aspiring actress-cum-director-cum-producer, who's short career in the porn industry has already been a rousing success, has clearly set her sights on super-stardom (or super infamy). This time, video tapes of her getting hot and nekkid with Backdoor Boy Nick Carter and Tommy Hilfiger model Jason Shaw have hit the 'net. Good for you, girl.

To add to my adoration, Paris apparently demonstrates her joint-rolling abilities in her latest cinematographic appearance. I only hope she'll let me audition for her next project, "Last Mango in Paris" (sorry, I tried 'banana' and 'finger', but they didn't work too well either, although I suppose I would love to munch on her fruit bowl).

PS. None of you sorry bastards have EVER posted a comment on my blog. How about it, then? To start with, anyone who can find a FREE link to download the Hilton videos - share it!

Sex and the Shitty

Take a look at this picture. Do you see what I see? If you see a grotesque monstrosity of indeterminable sex, then you're on the right track. I must warn you now to only read on if you have a strong stomach. I purged a bowlful of chocolate Pronutro all over my desk when I was compiling this post.

The "woman" featured is none other than the latest fling of actress Cynthia Nixon, who only recently won an Emmy for her role as the cynical, bitchy Miranda in HBO's Sex and the City.

Ok, granted that Miranda was always the dog in the bunch, I wouldn't have expected her to nab the hottest catch out of the four girls (personally, i think Kristin Davis aka Charlotte is a sexy fox), but puh-leeeze - not even Ellen de Generes would stoop to carpet-bagging Quasimodo here (and Ellen's had her fair share of uggo's). Yikes. Clearly money can't buy you love. I wonder if Cynthia kept the receipt?

Read more, if you really want: http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2004451893,00.html

Wanderers no more...

"One of the country's oldest clubhouses, at the Wanderers, is no more.

In spite of valiant efforts by firefighters to save the building, the roof collapsed last night, and with it, more than 100 years of history went up in flames.

The club was established in 1888 and moved to Illovo in the northern suburbs of Johannesburg in the 1930s.

Strewn on the grass outside were some picture frames and medals that staff and club members had managed to salvage.

Scores of onlookers watched helplessly as flames engulfed the building. The fire is believed to have started at about 6.30pm.

Witnesses said it apparently started after a gas cylinder exploded in the kitchen next to the bar.

By 8pm the fire had engulfed the entire building, including the clock tower, which came down when the roof on the side of the bar, kitchen and restaurant collapsed".

Looks like the Mowbray Marauder has struck again. This is truly a very sad day for South African sport, and even a Capetonian will admit to that.

Here's the scoop:

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Weekend at Bernie's III: SA style

"Port Elizabeth: A shocked FNB customer yesterday described her disbelief at seeing three people, believed to be loan sharks, pushing a corpse in a wheelchair into the North End branch 'to make a pension withdrawal'.

Officials at Mount Road police mortuary yesterday identified the dead man as Thozamile Patrick Apolis, 40, of Magi Street, Zwide.

Aaah. Ha ha. As pathetic as the story is, its still pretty darn funny. I do smell a cover-up though: seeing as this all happened at an FNB branch, its quite possible that Mr Apolis was alive and well when he rolled up to the back of the queue in the morning, but died during the course of the afternoon due to chronic frustration and boredom. Thanks again, Harps.


For those of you who don't know, "Rainbow" was a credible childrens TV show from the 70's and 80's. This clip was actually broadcast and watched by millions of youngsters (maybe). http://rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/rainbow_tv_episode.html

Spaceballs II

In a Q&A with Playbill magazine, Mel Brooks says that he's currently working on a Spaceballs sequel. Here's the clip from the interview which starts off by talking about the big screen adaptation of The Producers.

"Playbill: Will you have a role in it?

MB: It's doubtful, but I'm writing myself back into the Spaceballs sequel that I'm now writing, so you haven't seen the last of my face. Why another Spaceballs? It wouldn't feel right have anyone else play Yoghurt and the first one was the best experience I've had making a movie since Blazing Saddles.

Playbill: When can we expect that?

MB: Best case scenario: a week before the new Star Wars opens. Worst Case Scenario: a year after the new star wars opens."

LSD what?

"Swiss scientists have found what they say may be Europe's biggest mushroom - covering an area about the size of 35 football pitches.

The fungus was discovered in a national park near the eastern town of Ofenpass, said the Federal Institute for Forest, Snow and Countryside Research (WSL).

Spanning 35 hectares (86 acres), the mostly underground fungus is believed to be 1,000 years old, the WSL added.

The Honey Mushroom (Armillaria ostoyae) is edible, but it can kill trees".

Now, the question that Swiss scientists REALLY need to answer is: does the Honey Mushroom taste best eaten with peanut butter or yoghurt, or should you just choke it down in a shake?

Read more: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/3692136.stm

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Caught in the act

Couple has sex on stage

Now THIS is news!

During a show in Oslo by Swedish rock band Cumshots (I know - great name!), a young couple jumped up onto the stage, whipped off their kit and had sex. Brilliant. Apparently it happened at a Patricia Lewis concert as well, but there was no-one in the audience to see it.

"Cumshots provided the background music as the couple had intercourse right in front of the audience. A banner was raised on stage informing the audience that the couple was having sex to save the rainforest. After completing the intercourse, the couple received applause from the audience and disappeared".

Aaah. Entertainment in its truest form.

Thanks to Sean Harps for the link. What the fuck he was doing checking out Swedish newspapers, I can only imagine. And I'm trying really hard not to.

Britney's wedding photos

Yes, yes, yes. I still don't give a fuck. Here are some photo's from the whore of Babylon's trailer park wedding.

Kevin Federline looks like a fucking grease monkey. I hate him.

How Bush REALLY won in Florida

"USA: Critics of the Diebold touch-screen voting machines turned their attention Wednesday from the machines themselves to the computers that will tally the final vote, saying the outcome is so easy to manipulate that even a monkey could do it.

And they showed video of a monkey hacking the system to prove it.

In the minute-long video produced by Black Box Voting, Baxter the chimp is shown deleting the audit log that is supposed to keep track of changes in the Diebold central tabulator, the computer and program that keeps track of county vote totals

I don't think I really need to comment on this, do I? Just as long as the chimp is a step ahead of the electorate, I'm sure that the orangutans in the Supreme Court will back him up.

"How f&*king American are you?"

I found this cute little quiz, which was apparently developed by the guys behind South Park. Give it a go - its fairly amusing. I've posted my result below, although I assure you that it is in no way a fair reflection of my feelings about America. Or about Canada for that matter. Promise.

Its about f*&king time!

Please say its true! It seems that the beeyootiful Gisele Bundchen has finally had it up to her fantastic tits with Leonardo di Caprio, and has dumped his ass because he refuses to marry her. Sure, I think her motive sucks, but I guess the end justifies the means in this case. The sad part is that it seems like she's being "comforted" (read: shagged every which way she can) by another pretty boy butt-fuck, namely Josh Hairnet. On the positive side, this presents a very rare window of opportunity for me to bang her too, while she's still partially available and annoyingly emotional. Well, bang her in a manner of speaking, anyway.

Read more: http://entertainment.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,4459,10894045%5E10431%5E%5Enbv,00.html

Monday, September 27, 2004

Adolf W Bush

"George Bush's grandfather, the late US senator Prescott Bush, was a director and shareholder of companies that profited from their involvement with the financial backers of Nazi Germany.

The Guardian has obtained confirmation from newly discovered files in the US National Archives that a firm of which Prescott Bush was a director was involved with the financial architects of Nazism.

His business dealings, which continued until his company's assets were seized in 1942 under the Trading with the Enemy Act, has led more than 60 years later to a civil action for damages being brought in Germany against the Bush family by two former slave labourers at Auschwitz and to a hum of pre-election controversy.

Georgie W and his cabinet suddenly make a whole lot more sense when you consider that his family has both Nazi roots, as well as strong financial ties with the Bin Laden family and Saudi Arabia. They clearly know how to pick em'. And there's always the old adage about judging somebody by the company he keeps.

On a very related note, I saw Fahrenheit 9/11 over the weekend. It was pretty good, although blatantly one-sided - and you can believe that, since I hate fucking Bush. Wait, that came out wrong.

The US Department of Licensing

Our thanks to The Smoking Gun for this one.

Even though you think your dirty (or even not so dirty) personalised license plate is amusing, and so do all your friends, rest assured that there are a number of drivers on the road at the moment who think that you're actually a big cock. They also think your license plate is inappropriate.

The Smoking Gun has compiled a variety of entertaining correspondence between license plate owners, complainants and the Department of Labour, which makes for fairly amusing reading. Here's a sample, from the owner of license number "LIL PMP":

Problem with pictures


It appears that my picture hosting site is experiencing "network difficulties", which probably explains why some of the pictures below aren't loading properly. It also prevents me from uploading and posting new pictures. I apologise most humbly for the ineptitude of www.photobucket.com. Thank you, and watch this space.

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