Friday, September 03, 2004

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Aaaah. Ha ha. I have, quite literally, just wet myself. Only a little bit, mind you.

For those of you who don't know Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, check out some of his video clips from the Conan O'Brien show at: http://www.nbc.com/nbc/Late_Night_with_Conan_O'Brien/video/triumph.shtml

For those of you who do (and in any event), here's a posting from his news blog on his official website, http://www.triumphtheinsultcomicdog.com/:


Many of you are aware of my recent cameos on other TV shows like the Muppet Christmas film and Hollywood Squares. I still enjoy the Conan O'Donnell show but I feel it's important to make the transition from mere late night poop to total unadulterated crap. Unfortunately, every time I venture into unmarked territory, they cut out my best material, or "zingers", if you will.

F@#king MTV

By now everyone knows what happened on the video awards. I bear no anger toward Eminem, who, as I've said in the past, I have great admiration for, particularly his smooth white hair, which resembles a beagle's nutsack. I'm also glad to see him prove he can act. He played a white rap artist...quite a stretch. Maybe I can do a movie about a guy who licks his balls. I kid. Eminem was clearly confused...he had never seen the Conan show, and who can blame him? It's like staring at your own poop for a whole hour. Without getting to eat it. My only lingering bitterness is directed at the MTV fruits who cut away from me when Eminem got upset. As Conan said, their 3 hour poopfest was finally getting interesting and they couldn't handle it. "Cut!" they cried. "Cut to Christina Aguilera in the ho outfit! That'll sooth the home viewer!" Yes, MTV is getting soft. Remember, it's been around for over 20 years now. So has my mom's redeye and no one wants to see that either.

F@#king Muppets

If there's a show biz axiom as old as time, it's this: never trust a fking Muppet. "Please, Triumph, it's for NBC! Conan might do it! You have a scene with Kermit!" So I show up. No Conan. No Kermit. "You're on the phone with Kermit! We already shot his part!" Very nice. F* Kermit. He can't show up out of respect? What's he got better to do? Do we really need more new Sesame Street episodes? By now you'd think even Keanu Reeves has learned to count. I'm a professional, so I sucked it up and ripped Kermit to shreds on my half of the faked phone call. Here's some of what I said: "Kermit, you filthy old frog. Are you still telling the girls they'll get high if you lick them? I can't blame you. You look like something I coughed up when I had the flu. How's you're girlfriend, the Other White Meat? The last time I saw you was at the Friar's Club with that piglet you were calling your niece." "You want me in your movie? Let's talk about it over lunch. I'll eat my poop and you eat the flies. Hee hee...that joke is brought to you by number 2. By the way, did you know you can spell poop backwards and forwards? You can have that one for the kids. Take it back to Sesame Street with my compliments. Seriously, I think it's great that you've worked all these years with youngsters, and none of the allegations have stuck." "Good for you, Kermit, you've come a long way in all these years. Now the only time you go back to the swamp is to dump a hooker. I really admire you, as a star but also as an amphibian. You can hold your breath for a very long time...which helps when you have to go down on Miss Piggy." Of course, it was all a big pretense. All they really wanted was a "for me to poop on" just so they could bill me and pump their ratings. Sure enough, I carried their pathetic felt asses into first place for Friday Night. Kermit wins again, but it can't last forever. At some point, someone's mom or dad is just going to flush him down the toilet.

F@#king Hollywood Squares

When you see me on Hollywood Squares, you can rest assured I was offered a lot of money, and that I got to sniff the center square's crotch. Why else would I slum on this poophole? This is a show that's not even good enough for Whoopi Goldberg to do anymore. So when a comic with stylings of my caliber participates, you'd think the last thing they'd do is cut any of my zingers. But apparently they felt some of the jokes would alienate their core audience of shut-ins and mah jong clubs. Here's a taste of what you missed as I feasted on the dregs of show business. "Hey Ellen DeGeneres, the new center square. What a huge comedown. I kid, she's not here permanently, she's rotating with Burt Reynolds and Alec Baldwin. Interesting...I thought you only rotated with chicks." "Martin Mull...I knew your career was in a slump. I chased a bus last week and you were driving it. Look at you...you're one year away from being the new Wilford Brimley." "Little Richard...you really paved the way for me...you were the first major star to have a hand up his butt." "Anna Nicole, you're gonna be rich. It's not fair. I sniff an old man's crotch and I get hit with a cane. She gets 89 million. Hey Ellen, you get to be center square, but remember, you're very lucky. It's only because Anna Nicole ate Whoopi." "Engelbert Humperdinck...great to see you again. He and I worked at the same Casino in Atlantic City. I was on stage and he was parking cars. Seriously, help Engelbert out folks. This guy needs a hit worse than Robert Downey Jr." Of course, none of these made it. But nothing could've saved this Hollywood Squares. The show sucked so hard the sides of my TV caved in".

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Britney's Spear-mint

"Buyers are chomping at the, um, bids for Britney Spears' used chewing gum on eBay. The market for her sticky spoils has been volatile, with prices stretching at one point to nearly $3 million. Nearly two dozen listings for her used gum have popped up since the "original" auction appeared last month".

Even by my low standards, this is f*&king pathetic. What the f*&k do you do with Britney's used chewing gum? For $3 million, I'd fly first class to New York, LA and Louisiana to look for the tubby bitch, bribe her maid to let me into the place where she's staying, and have a tug in her bed, shower and on her toothbrush. If you're going to be a useless little pervert, at least do in style, especially if you've got the cash to f*&k around with. Alternatively, the idiot $3 million bidder can give me the money, and I'll go and steal all her XXLarge underwear for him to wear on his head.

Read more: http://entertainment.tv.yahoo.com/entnews/eo/20040901/109409910000.html

Carmen Electra Grabs Top Bottom

Curvy Carmen Electra has come "top of the bots" to pinch the best bottom crown from Kylie Minogue. The former Baywatch babe came on top in a magazine's survey to name the sexiest female. The 32-year-old beat off Kylie,36, by just 1%. Beyonce Knowles,22, came third (Heck, I'm not gonna argue too much here. Kylie's got a beautfiul toilet, and I'd definately slap Carmen in the face with my... face-slapper(?). Although I don't quite get Beyonce. Yes, she's alright, but her ass is just a tad too be-ouncy for my personal tastes. In fact, she may even get pipped in my list by Saartjie Baartman)

The FHM magazine survey also saw Slovakian bra model Adriana Karembou,33,voted Sexiest Footballer's Wife. Adriana - whose other half, French ace Christian, plays for Olympiakos in Greece - polled 41% of the 37,000 votes.

Louise Redknapp,29, wife of Tottenham skipper Jamie,26, was runner-up followed by Czech beauty Eva Kiliano whose partner is Liverpool's Milan Baros. But there was no place in the poll for the most famous footballer's wife - Victoria Beckham. Britney Spears,22, topped a poll of Fantasy Babes.
From: http://www.ananova.com/entertainment/story/sm_1087544.html?menu

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Other Earths?

Two teams of astronomers announced today the discovery of a new class of planets that are tiny compared to the gas giants previously detected outside of our solar system. Indeed, one of the two Neptune-sized spheres they found may have a solid surface and temperature conducive to life.

"We are closer to answering the question, 'Are we alone in the universe?'" said Anne Kinney, director of NASA's Universe Division, Science Mission Directorate. "We aim to answer that question by looking for planets, eventually imaging them and ultimately diagnosing the presence of life on those planets."One of the planets is 41 light years from Earth and the other is about 33 light years away. UC Berkeley's star planet hunter Geoff Marcy was a member of one of the teams that revealed their discoveries at a NASA press conference this afternoon: "If you look at the 135 or so extrasolar planets found so far, it's clear that nature makes more of the smaller planets than the larger ones," he said. "We've found more Saturn-size planets than Jupiter-size planets, and now it appears there are more Neptune-size planets than Saturn-size. That means there's an even better chance of finding Earths, and maybe more of them than all the other planets we've found so far."
Thanks Scotty. Beam me up? (sorry)


A Catholic college has complained about new Haribo sweet wrappers which it claims portray fruit in sexual positions.

"We are shocked at the shameless presentation of sexual practices on the wrapping, which includes not only sexual intercourse but also fellatio and cunnilingus," wrote the St Blasien Jesuit College near Bonn.

The letter, complaining about the new packaging of Haribo's Moaom fruit chews, added: "It's irresponsible, to expose children to such pornographic representations."

The sweets wrapped in bright yellow, red and green colours show lemons, limes, strawberries, cherries and oranges playfully romping with each other.

But the college sees it differently. They were especially opposed to the lemon flavoured chews, which "undoubtedly show a green figure having sex with a lemon.

"The lemon, which from the drawing looks female, is obviously enjoying it with the greatest of pleasure."

Haribo bosses admit the new packaging is "very racy", but said in tests no complaints had been raised.

Spokesman Marco Alfter said: "The new wrapping is certainly fruitier than the old. But we have not had any other complaints. In fact until now the feedback has all been positive."

From: http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_1086492.html

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

BMW Polo

The BMW International Polo match between South Africa and Canada on Sunday, 29 August 2004, saw South Africa run out convincing victors by 14 goals to 7. It should be borne in mind, however, that the Canadians were riding loaner ponies (they couldn't bring their horsies over cos of the horse flu), which most probably had a sizeable impact on the end result. Specially seeing as one of the Mounties got chucked by his rent-a-hos a few times. And, of course, because we dumped a bankie of Mellville's finest into their alfalfa somewhere into the 2nd chukka.

In spite of the dust that I'm still hacking out of my lungs, a good day was had by all. I think. But how can you go wrong with bottles of 'ol JC le Roux, smoked salmon and trout? And my cheese and ham rolls? And in Toadie and Bitchard's case, a rollicking 69'er only seconds after the last photo was taken. HOO-HA!

2004 MTV VMA's

Sadly, this year there was no Britney Spears / Madonna / Christina Aguilera three-way action and no Janet Jackson tit shots. Apparently, MTV used a several second delay for the first time to make sure that nothing too interesting was broadcast. Whatever happened to freedom of expression? Even if expression is getting your boobs out or getting lesbo on stage.

Unfortunately, I'm a bit rushed at work this morning to do a good search for chick pics from the evening, but watch this space in the next few days...

Until then: http://edition.cnn.com/2004/SHOWBIZ/Music/08/29/mtv.ap/

"DOOM": the movie

"Even though the long-awaited computer game Doom 3 only recently made it into stores and onto gamers' PCs, the spooky sci-fi shoot-em-up is already a huge success. Hollywood has been counting on leveraging that success for a big-budget film for some time, and good progress is being made now towards actual production".

Read more: http://filmforce.ign.com/articles/543/543289p1.html

Dog gives birth to kitten

"A Cambodian man claims his pet dog has given birth to a kitten.
Hundreds of people have flocked to Te Huot's house after he claimed his 10-year-old pet Knou gave birth to a single grey kitten.
The owner said a forest monk who had visited him had told him that the dog had mated with a tiger".

...and that's an impressive feat for a chiauhua! There's a lot of shit in the news today. Sorry.

Read more: http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_1085276.html

Monday, August 30, 2004

"GIMME AN 'R'! GIMME A 'B'!..."

"Rondebosch staged a great fightback in the second half to pip Bishops 26-22 in an FNB Classic Clash on the Piley Rees Field at Bishops on Saturday. It was a dramatic finish to a game that lacked continuity".

YEEEEE-HA!! Although it is about f*&king time.

For more on the match itself:

For more on the history of the rivalry: http://www.rugby365.com/COUNTRY_BY_COUNTRY/South_Africa/Country_News/story_37900.shtml

Facelift for Struggle Park

Could it be true?? And does this really look like the Struggle we all know?

"After years of under-utilisation, Huddle Park Golf Course, east of Johannesburg, is to get a facelift and be developed into a mixed-use facility.

Huddle Park is one of the largest remaining open spaces within Johannesburg and covers an area of 235 489 hectares. The golf course is surrounded by the suburbs of Bedford Park, Senderwood and Sandringham and consists of three 18-hole golf courses. "

Does this mean they'll plant grass on the greens?

Read more: http://www.johannesburg.gov.za/2004/aug/aug27_huddle.stm

Paris Hilton writes a book

"The model-reality TV star has written a 198-page memoir, "Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-in-Chic Peek Behind the Pose."

Though the missing Chihuahua saga was too recent to make the book, Hilton writes about her youth as an heiress in a "really close" family. Excerpts of the book (to hit shelves September 7) are in the People magazine that comes out Friday."

Sounds riveting. But Jenna Jameson comes first (no, really!).

From CNN: http://edition.cnn.com/2004/SHOWBIZ/08/27/showbuzz/index.html

Jenna Jameson interview

I know the picture makes her look more like the queen of troll porn, but we all know that Jenna Jameson is quite an exceptional lady, even though she doesn't take it up the pooper. She's also just written a book, and appeared recently on US CNN's "Anderson Cooper 360" to punt it.
Click here for excerpts of the interview: http://www.cnn.com/2004/SHOWBIZ/books/08/27/jenna.jameson/index.html


Hmmm. I'm normally never one to complain about a boob shot of Britney, but she's starting to look f*&king muck. Its a real shame to see such potential go to waste.

Hatrick for Beckham

The England skipper, 29, was hurled in the air by cheering Real Madrid team-mates before he and Posh confirmed that she is pregnant with their third child.

Victoria, 30 — already mum to five-year-old Brooklyn and brother Romeo, one — is due to give birth next March.

And the couple last night vowed to have their third baby in Spain — where they now live as a family.

The pair said they were “delighted”.

Read more: http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2004401230,00.html

Silly monkey

BEIJING (AFP) - Visitors to the Zhengzhou Zoo in central China's Henan province who do not enjoy passive smoking, let alone being spat on, had better avoid the monkey cage.

Thirteen-year-old chimpanzee Feili has turned to smoking, begging cigarettes from visitors and spitting on them when they do not comply, the Xinhua state news agency reported Sunday.
Her fierce behavior is in reaction to being paired with a male, 28 years her senior, who seems to lack either the interest or the capability to satisfy her sexual demands, the agency said.

Although Feili's behavior may seem outrageous, it is no more so than that of the people outside the cage, since she only took up her new habits after observing the visitors to the zoo, according to Xinhua.

From: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/afp/china_animals_offbeat

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