splattermail

Friday, November 26, 2004

More letters from Africa

Sigh. It seems Splattermail has developed a reputation of late for being sympathetic to the plight of North Africans looking to randomly donate millions of US dollars. Here's the latest piece of desperate bullshit from Sierra-Leone, and our gentle reply thereto.


"From Miss Funke Komana

Good Day

I know that this mail might be a surpriseing to you but do consider it as an emergency. In a nut shell, My name is Funke Komana from the republic of Sierria-Leone in west Africa, now seeking for refugee in Dakar -Senegal under the(UNHCR).

The only child of late Dr.Solomon komana. I am looking for someone who can take me as child I promise to be obidient to you and I will bring happiness to your life, I prayed over it and selected your name amoung two names due to it's esteeming nature and the recommendations given to me, as a reputable and trustworthy person.

I can do business with, and by their recommendations I must not hesitate to confide in you for this simple and sincere business.I want you to assist me in this transaction. My late father was the managing director of Rainbow Gold and Diamond Mine company in (KENEMA)Sierra-Leone.

But he was poisoned to death along side with my mother by his business associate, On one of their outing to discuss a business deal in oversea, However, after their death I managed to stay alone and when the war broke out in my country. I escape to refugee camp in senegal with every important files of my father.

He has the sum of (US$15.2M)Fiften million two hundred thousand U.S Dollars only. This amount was deposited by my late father in one of the leading Security Company in outside Sierria-Leone. The deposit documents indicate me as the next of kin. Presently, I am saddled with the problem of securing a trust worthy foriegn personality to help me. I will map out 15% for you.

(1) you will Stand on my behalf as the beneficiary for the claim of the inheritance from the Security Company since the management of the Company adviced that I should solicit for an individual or corporate organization to claim the deposit for me as they cannot release it directly to me due to my refugee status in Senegal.

(2) Transfer the money over to your own country and into your possession pending my arrival to meet with you.

(3)Invest and manage the money for me in a good business pending my maturity.

(4) Help me secure my travelling documents to meet you as soon as my money is released to you. Furthermore,you can contact the Security Company for confirmation and I will issue a letter of authorisation on your name,that will enable the Company correspond with you on my behalf.

I am giving you this offers as mentioned with every confidence on your acceptance to assist me or adopt me as your Child if possible and manage the money for me.

Conclusively I wish you send me a reply immediately you recieve this proposal.

Until then, I remain with the best Regards,

Miss Funke Komana"



And, of course, our reply:


"Dear Miss Funke Komana

Thank you for contacting us. Indeed, in our country, Splattermail is an entity of enormous esteem and influence, reaching into the topmost eschelons of our blossoming democracy. Your story has touched our hearts.

In many ways I, Mr Salami Killarney, sympathise with your plight. My father was a very powerful and highly respected tar baron in our capital city of Bronkhorstspruit. He was a good man, who loved his employees and his family.

One dark night, however, my father and my eldest brother, Mauritz "Handpomp" Killarney, were attacked by mielie-wielding ruffians demanding a wage increase of ZAR 1,00 per week. You must appreciate that a 500% increase such as this would be grossly unreasonable in any country, and would have crippled my father's multi-billion dollar tar empire. Handpomp managed to kill 50 of the scoundrels with the flamethrower that he used to sleep with at night, but sadly he set fire to the curtains, and our family mansion, Graca-land, burnt to the ground. In a fit of rage, my father beat Handpomp to death with a sock filled with old 20 cent coins, before hurling himself into one of our family tar pits, never to be seen or heard from again.

This all happened on Tuesday night, and I am still in a state of shock. For the past three days, I have been living on nothing but boerewors rolls and warm sterling lite lager. Have you ever had sterling lite? It does not taste very nice. The only family heirlooms I was able to save from the smouldering ruins of our homestead were our autographed copy of the Magna Carta, and one of the original 10 commandment tablets, which my beloved father won in a mampoer-downing contest in Brakpan when he was 34.

In response to your urgent appeals, I would be happy to adopt you as my child. Of course, I am only 14 and not really fit to be a father, but if you are an attractive, slim lady, with a bounteous bosom, who has not yet been touched by the hand of man (also, if you don't smoke or have any disfiguring scars), then your money and you will both be most welcome. Please send a picture, so that I might know what my daughter will look like.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kindest regards,

Mr Salami J Killarney.

PS. The last time I helped out someone with a request like yours, I spent 5 years in CMax, where my exit hole was systematically enlarged to the size of a stormwater drain. This won't happen again, will it?"

These people are funny. Fucking annoying, and clearly brainless, but funny nevertheless.




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