Friday, September 03, 2004

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Aaaah. Ha ha. I have, quite literally, just wet myself. Only a little bit, mind you.

For those of you who don't know Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, check out some of his video clips from the Conan O'Brien show at: http://www.nbc.com/nbc/Late_Night_with_Conan_O'Brien/video/triumph.shtml

For those of you who do (and in any event), here's a posting from his news blog on his official website, http://www.triumphtheinsultcomicdog.com/:


Many of you are aware of my recent cameos on other TV shows like the Muppet Christmas film and Hollywood Squares. I still enjoy the Conan O'Donnell show but I feel it's important to make the transition from mere late night poop to total unadulterated crap. Unfortunately, every time I venture into unmarked territory, they cut out my best material, or "zingers", if you will.

F@#king MTV

By now everyone knows what happened on the video awards. I bear no anger toward Eminem, who, as I've said in the past, I have great admiration for, particularly his smooth white hair, which resembles a beagle's nutsack. I'm also glad to see him prove he can act. He played a white rap artist...quite a stretch. Maybe I can do a movie about a guy who licks his balls. I kid. Eminem was clearly confused...he had never seen the Conan show, and who can blame him? It's like staring at your own poop for a whole hour. Without getting to eat it. My only lingering bitterness is directed at the MTV fruits who cut away from me when Eminem got upset. As Conan said, their 3 hour poopfest was finally getting interesting and they couldn't handle it. "Cut!" they cried. "Cut to Christina Aguilera in the ho outfit! That'll sooth the home viewer!" Yes, MTV is getting soft. Remember, it's been around for over 20 years now. So has my mom's redeye and no one wants to see that either.

F@#king Muppets

If there's a show biz axiom as old as time, it's this: never trust a fking Muppet. "Please, Triumph, it's for NBC! Conan might do it! You have a scene with Kermit!" So I show up. No Conan. No Kermit. "You're on the phone with Kermit! We already shot his part!" Very nice. F* Kermit. He can't show up out of respect? What's he got better to do? Do we really need more new Sesame Street episodes? By now you'd think even Keanu Reeves has learned to count. I'm a professional, so I sucked it up and ripped Kermit to shreds on my half of the faked phone call. Here's some of what I said: "Kermit, you filthy old frog. Are you still telling the girls they'll get high if you lick them? I can't blame you. You look like something I coughed up when I had the flu. How's you're girlfriend, the Other White Meat? The last time I saw you was at the Friar's Club with that piglet you were calling your niece." "You want me in your movie? Let's talk about it over lunch. I'll eat my poop and you eat the flies. Hee hee...that joke is brought to you by number 2. By the way, did you know you can spell poop backwards and forwards? You can have that one for the kids. Take it back to Sesame Street with my compliments. Seriously, I think it's great that you've worked all these years with youngsters, and none of the allegations have stuck." "Good for you, Kermit, you've come a long way in all these years. Now the only time you go back to the swamp is to dump a hooker. I really admire you, as a star but also as an amphibian. You can hold your breath for a very long time...which helps when you have to go down on Miss Piggy." Of course, it was all a big pretense. All they really wanted was a "for me to poop on" just so they could bill me and pump their ratings. Sure enough, I carried their pathetic felt asses into first place for Friday Night. Kermit wins again, but it can't last forever. At some point, someone's mom or dad is just going to flush him down the toilet.

F@#king Hollywood Squares

When you see me on Hollywood Squares, you can rest assured I was offered a lot of money, and that I got to sniff the center square's crotch. Why else would I slum on this poophole? This is a show that's not even good enough for Whoopi Goldberg to do anymore. So when a comic with stylings of my caliber participates, you'd think the last thing they'd do is cut any of my zingers. But apparently they felt some of the jokes would alienate their core audience of shut-ins and mah jong clubs. Here's a taste of what you missed as I feasted on the dregs of show business. "Hey Ellen DeGeneres, the new center square. What a huge comedown. I kid, she's not here permanently, she's rotating with Burt Reynolds and Alec Baldwin. Interesting...I thought you only rotated with chicks." "Martin Mull...I knew your career was in a slump. I chased a bus last week and you were driving it. Look at you...you're one year away from being the new Wilford Brimley." "Little Richard...you really paved the way for me...you were the first major star to have a hand up his butt." "Anna Nicole, you're gonna be rich. It's not fair. I sniff an old man's crotch and I get hit with a cane. She gets 89 million. Hey Ellen, you get to be center square, but remember, you're very lucky. It's only because Anna Nicole ate Whoopi." "Engelbert Humperdinck...great to see you again. He and I worked at the same Casino in Atlantic City. I was on stage and he was parking cars. Seriously, help Engelbert out folks. This guy needs a hit worse than Robert Downey Jr." Of course, none of these made it. But nothing could've saved this Hollywood Squares. The show sucked so hard the sides of my TV caved in".

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